Day 232: (Monday 10.08.26) : I love being outside

Awake since 4am - in a lot of pain. So hard to sleep. Stayed in bed until Cedar needed to go outside, about 5am, then just kept moving my body gently. Movement helps so much.

Walked the bush track with Cedar - took my TheraBand with me and did a few arm strength exercises while I walked (Julie has inspired me to fit things in where I can).

Rang Stacey, my Oncology pharmacist to question drug interactions with Duloxetine, Bevacizumab, Prednisolone, Fish Oil, Turmeric and Magnesium Glycinate. Stacey is going to talk to Dr. Mahmood about my treatment plan and get back to me.

Appointment with Nurse Bronwyn. Discussed medications and pain again - my hands are swollen, stiff and really sore, as are my knees and I’m not sleeping very much at all. Duloxetine dosage to be doubled to 60mg a day until I see the Rheumatologist on the 21st Aug.

Stacey got back to me, having talked to Dr. Mahmood and both have suggested not to double the dose just yet (I cant remember the exact reason?). Now what to do?

Spent the afternoon in the garden, just loving being outside.

Today I am grateful for:

Being outside, in the garden - pulling out weeds, breathing, listening to birds, Cedar nearby.

Day 233: (Tuesday 11.08.26) : Cancer, you suck.

Horrid night. Cant move my fingers or hands properly (this lasted all day). Couldn’t paint, open paint tubes, or open milk cartons without a rubber grip support.

Spoke to Stacey (Oncology pharmacist) again about my symptoms etc (she rang to let me know what Dr. Mahmood had said) - and she told me that cancer tumours actively prompt and emit inflammatory signals.

This freaked me out (of course it makes sense though) - and I think I need to get back on that Bevacizumab ASAP!

Walked Cedar.

Today I am grateful for:

Day 234: (Wednesday 12.08.26) : I love sleep.

Finally, an ok sleep with slightly less pain. Still awake a fair bit, but managed to go back to sleep. Woke up and could move better - I could actually do bench pushups - WOOHOO! My biceps didn’t feel like they were splitting open like they did yesterday….and, I can almost do Malasana pose. I hope my body stays like this and continues to improve.

Morning walk and afternoon walk.

Today I am grateful for:

Cedar coming on the long walks with me - even though she really didn’t want to.

Day 235: (Thursday 13.08.26) : Brief briefing

Hmmm - can’t predict what is going to happen in my body. Bummer.

Painting slow.

Counsellor appointment.

Somehow I’ve forgotten the rest of the day (?)

Today I am grateful for:

Voice message giggles with Becc

Day 236: (Friday 14.08.26) : More sleep please.

Awake from 12.30am with nerve, joint and muscle pain. Got up at 4.30am and slowly, my body is being able to move more. Coffee helps. I don’t like or want this pain, but perhaps I am getting used to it.

On with the day!

Today I am grateful for:

Paint. In love with Paint.

Day 237: (Saturday 15.08.26) : Friends & family

Another night of broken (not much) sleep and (lots of) pain. I am very tired (and looking like it) - but every time I move to get one part of my body comfortable, another part hurts. May as well get up because moving around makes everything feel better (except my grip - both hands. That takes a few hours of movement to be able to move my fingers properly).

Yesterday I thought I was getting used to this pain - what a ridiculous thought!

Becc and I got together on Zoom for a relaxed, unrecorded painting session. I still need to learn to balance the talking with the painting (I talk too much 🤣), but this was so great. Next time I’m getting my gelli plate printig out!

My brother Luke, his friend Ian and Mum came over for a cuppa - it was really lovely.

Fell asleep just after 8pm.

Today I am grateful for:

Zoom, My friendship with Becc and hugs from my little bro.

Day 238: (Sunday 16.08.26) : Gentle rain and fresh coffee

Hooray - a bit more sleep and a little less pain last night! Still took hours to be able to grip anything, or move my hands / fingers and knees much (still cant properly bend either - 3 hours after getting up). Why are some nights (wish it was more) better than others? Here’s what I did differently - took Duloxetine at 8pm, instead of 6.30pm, had hugs from my brother Luke in the early afternoon, painted with Becc in an unrecorded zoom and only went for slow, short walks with Cedar.

So I don’t really know why last night and Wednesday night were better than the other nights.

Perhaps taking the duloxetine in the morning might be worth trying?

Anyway, its raining lightly today (Yay! We desperately need it, as does the rest of the world it seems) and Luke and Ian are coming over today (Yay, more hugs).

Today I am grateful for:

Waking up to gentle rain, freshly ground and brewed coffee, and a fairly ok nights sleep.

I hope you have a beautiful week. xxx

Diary of Delight Companion Post for Week 40: (Coming Soon)

(This post will be updated to include the link one day. Please check back later 🙏🏻)

This Cancer Chronicle post has a creative companion; ‘The Diary of Delight, Week 40” . The Diary of Delight is a sketchbook practice that helps me focus on the positive, look for the light and love and draw the joy.

Moments of Joy & Beauty noticed & experienced this week:

• Jean Mackay Art

• Window Sill Chats by Margo Tantau

• Listening to an interview with on Art Wank

• This Podcast on inflammation with Zoe

• Watching The Joy of Painting what you see by

• Lovely comments from the one and only, beautiful of Art Hang Party

• Really looking forward to watching this replay with and later today: “Painting portraits with Hippo and Char”

Until next time,

Hug the people you love, Celebrate the good things in your life, Exercise and make the art that makes you happy.

All my love,

Other places you can find me:

Instagram

YouTube

Pinterest

Day 225: (Monday 3.08.26) : Day with Family.

It’s been 6 weeks since my last Bevacizumab treatment.

My brother Ben and his Fiancé Eliza are visiting from Wollongong, staying at Mums in Merimbula, so Cedar and I went and spent some time with them all today.

It was so gorgeous seeing our dogs play together, and truly lovely to be with my family.

Today I am grateful for:

A deep and loving soul connection with my brother.

Day 226: (Tuesday 4.08.26) : Dexa and Doctors.

Cedar enjoyed some time with Ellen and Tim this morning while I went to radiology for another appointment.

Dexa Scan 9.45am, Bega - haven’t got the full results yet, but I could see one hip had decreased from 1.4 to 1.9 since last scan, Nov. 2024.

Doctors 2pm, Tathra - Laura has referred me to a pain specialist and we are thinking about trialing Prednisolone after one more week of Duloxetine (will take both) as this awful pain at night is not going away.

Today I am grateful for:

Living in my home town.

Day 227: (Wednesday 5.08.26) : Julie comes to stay

Last night I took an extra Magnesium Glycinate (so 320mg), plus the Duloxetine 30mg. I did have less nerve pain (although still had pain and was awake for hours - it wasn’t as sharp or electric as it normally is).

Morning movement Tai Chi Meditation. I have really noticed a positive difference to my day when I do some sort of gentle movement practice in the mornings. My body feels like it can cope a little more with pain and mobility challenges.

My dear friend Julie has come to visit for a few days . Ben and Eliza dropped in on their way up the coast. They got to meet Jules. So beautiful when people I love meet each other.

Ben has lent me his old van for a while. I have always wanted a van to travel around in and make art - an Art Bus.

Its exciting - and a little daunting. I’ve lost so much confidence in my body - my hands and arms have so much nerve pain at the moment that I cant always hold or move things properly (in the mornings and evenings more so).

Today I am grateful for:

Friends and family.

Day 228: (Thursday 6.08.26) : Print play with Julie

Not a great sleep and lots of pain.

Walked the bush track with Julie and Cedar.

Gelli Plate printing experimenting and play day. So much fun - AND - a total distraction from pain!

Today I am grateful for:

Having a beautiful, creative friend who I make Art with.

Day 229: (Friday 7.08.26) : More Print Therapy

Another night of horrid pain - wrists, knees, forearms, neck, low back. Not much sleep. This pain feels like relentless vice grips on my wrists, weakening them, making them deeply ache. Constantly. So hard to sleep.

Last night it was my left wrist that was more painful. Is it normal for joint pain to move throughout the body?

My hands are so swollen, stiff and sore (particularly evenings, nights and mornings), I cant open the milk carton without a rubber grip.

Movement medicine - Tai Chi and Bush walk.

The rest of the day immersed in Gelli plate printing with Julie. So immersed we both were, that neither of us even thought to take photos and I was able to ignore most of my pain. Exactly how a great afternoon of art making should be. Excellent fun, excellent therapy!

Today I am grateful for:

My passion for creativity, making art and being immersed in the process.

Day 230: (Saturday 8.08.26) : Julie heads home

A little less pain (slightly), but no more sleep. I am starting to look like I’m 200 years old. So tired - BUT - the best thing is getting up and moving my body.

Morning Tai Chi

Drove the van around the backyard - it was surprisingly easier than I thought it would be - and Cedar was happy to hang out in the back.

Julie returned to Canberra today and I had a quiet, home day cleaning bookshelves and snuggling Cedar.

Today I am grateful for:

Julie inspiring me to be as active as I can, any way I can.

Day 231: (Sunday 9.08.26) : The best Medicine

This week has been really good for me.

Julie has inspired me immensely - both creatively, and health wise.

Although I have still had a lot of pain at night, and not much sleep, Julie being here has helped take my mind off all of the pain and our mutual love of movement and art making has reminded me that we can still do things - even with restrictions.

The thing is - to find a way around, or through the challenge.

Keep being active - as much as you can, in any way you can.

Find moments throughout the day to fit in ‘exercise snacks’ - squats, or a few lifts of the dumbbells, or heel raises etc.

Also - find what you are passionate about and go for it!

Having a passion for something, such as art making, is a powerful and important part of the healing process - something you can get immersed in, hours pass without you noticing, and thoughts of illness are discarded for long enough that you remember who you are.

Today I am grateful for:

Julie - reminding me that I am a strong, capable, independent woman who CAN do things. That this pain and limitation of movement is temporary, and I can move in other ways and help my body stay strong.

Thanks Jules. Love you heaps! xxx

Diary of Delight Companion Post for Week 39: (Coming soon - in some form or another. I can show you the Gelli plate prints then)

(This post will be updated to include the link soon. Please check back later 🙏🏻)

This Cancer Chronicle post has a creative companion; ‘The Diary of Delight, Week 39” . The Diary of Delight is a sketchbook practice (this may change) that helps me focus on the positive, look for the light and love and draw the joy.

Moments of Joy & Beauty noticed & experienced this week:

• Watching Nina Price’s Vlog on painting in Shetland. What a beautiful place.

• Being immersed in the art making process.

• Sunset over the mountains.

• Having a friend who feels the same about making art - and making art together - both immersed in our own processes. Magic Joy.

• Computer being turned off for most of the time Julie was here.

• Playing with Gelli plates.

• Hugging my brother Ben.

• Ben bringing me his van - so thoughtful, generous and loving.

• So many things. Its been a beautiful week, despite lots of pain, there has been so much joy, magic, love, creativity and friendship.

Until next time,

Hug the people you love, Celebrate the good things in your life, Exercise and make the art that makes you happy.

All my love,

Other places you can find me:

Instagram

YouTube

Pinterest

Day 218: (Monday 27.07.26) : Moment of Joy

I could tell you how intensely debilitating the pain was last night, and how I didn’t sleep at all. I could tell you how I cried out in pain and called for Dad and my ancestors to help me. I could tell you how dark and scary the night was, and how I don’t want to live alone anymore. I could tell you a lot more about the torment I have, but all I am really going to say is that I still found a moment of joy today.

15 minutes of mindful movement - Tai Chi for Neuropathy

Interesting and helpful information - “Everything you need to know about Peripheral Neuropathy’

Nurse Bronwyn and I had a discussion about pain relief and I have decided to take the Duloxetine again, and this time give it more time for my body to get used to it.

I will take it with dinner and hope I sleep.

Today I am grateful for:

Mark meeting me at the Doctors and then helping me add music to OBS. It was so much fun (it really was) - AND, technology worked (although I’m still not 100 % sure how Mark did that!).

Day 219: (Tuesday 28.07.26) : Movement, Joy & Freedom.

The Duloxetine seemed to have worked a bit! I still felt pain, I was still awake often throughout the night, and then from 3.30am onwards, but I slept, and, the pain was bearable. It wasn’t utterly intense like it had been the previous night. Hooray! I feel like a new person! I can move! (mostly).

Took Cedar for a long bush walk and enjoyed the sun.

Thought a lot about how I make Art and what truly makes me happy.

I was remembering my earlier art making days, before I had internet or Instagram, or any social media.

I listened to Radio National and made anything I felt like making. I painted, stitched, printed, made books, played with clay, created soul cards and collages. (I didn’t use a computer for art or a mobile phone).

Art was my playground and talk to god, healing space. I didn’t have to film my art process to feel like an artist, I didn’t have to show anyone. My art was for me, a way to heal, express and understand myself.

I know it could still be like this, but somehow, in my head (even though I don’t often post to social media now, apart from sharing stuff here on Substack), I feel like everything has to be ‘for’ something. ‘For’ the blog, ‘For’ the zooms, ‘For’ the Diary of Delight, etc.

In many ways The Diary of Delight, although a great idea, and is looking beautiful, is holding me back. I’m not enjoying the Pith, and I feel boxed in, and conflicted.

I’m also feeling anxious about going public with the Zooms, and not sure I want to just yet. Really questioning this in my head. (maybe need to get used to being on this medication too).

Somehow, I am going to find some balance between the two worlds (or times), because life is too short to not feel joy and freedom.

Today I am grateful for:

Being able to move my body with a little more joy and freedom.

Day 220: (Wednesday 29.07.26) : Family Letters

Last night was not as easy as Monday night - more pain and less sleep, but still not as bad as it had been on Sunday.

Morning Tai Chi - is a gentle way to release tension from nerve pain.

Slow morning. Walk with Cedar. A little bit of painting.

Duloxetine is making me very queasy. Still have a lot of pain in my body and inability to move normally, but the nights have been better than I was on Sunday.

Mum came over and she bought with her a treasure chest of letters. There were letters from my grandparents, written to me in 1970 (Grandad even illustrated some of them). There were letters I wrote to Mum when I was teaching in Arnhem land, letters and prints Id made when I was teaching Art at Katherine High School and letters from my Aunty Betty in New Zealand, also written to me in the 1970’s.

It was beautiful.

Today I am grateful for:

Mum bringing letters that she had kept for 56 years.

Day 221: (Thursday 30.07.26) : Substack Day

Almost had a pain free night last night. The Duloxetine seems to be working (fingers crossed and hope I don’t jinx it). Around 3am my arms and hands started hurting a lot, and my left knee, but it was one of the better nights I’ve had. Sleep was a little more difficult to come by though.

Morning moving meditation Tai Chi to wake up, then our ritual bush walk (really just a Cedar sniff and a Sam stroll).

Spent the rest of the day editing 14 blog posts, 13 of which I posted to the web (not emailed as that would overwhelm everyone).

(Edited on Saturday) I’m not sure I will be able to do many Zooms (?)- it will depend on the night I’ve had before, how much pain I have had in my hands and arms etc. and if I can move well enough. This pain is so debilitating.

I started with the Zoom ‘Drawing Joy’ practice Replays (x 6) with an introductory post first:

Here is one of the replays:

Followed by the ‘Diary of Delight’ entries that are connected to each of the ‘Drawing Joy’ zoom sessions. Here is one of the posts:

Today I am grateful for:

An overcast day that didn’t tempt me to be outside enjoying the sun, and instead, I finally edited and posted the zoom practice replays.

Day 222: (Friday 31.07.26) : Slow Painting

3am pain and weakness in all limbs. Right wrist, hand and arm particularly painful even though I wore wrist braces on both arms last night. Cant bend my swollen fingers - it takes hours for them to return to normal. Somehow I have developed a ganglion on my right wrist too - which makes the pain worse, and I worry that I wont be able to paint. How do I get rid of this?

Also find it hard to move my limbs properly. Getting out of bed, standing up etc - I’m very wobbly and weak.

Elbows, Knees, finger joints, biceps, neck, low back, feet, ankles - it seems to be getting worse and spreading.

These short Tai Chi videos are becoming a beautiful part of my morning ritual.

Walked Cedar in the sun, then came home and played with paint. Had to have lots of breaks, but enjoyed the process.

Today I am grateful for:

Slow painting, experimenting with colour, gouache and watercolour. Playing with paint.

Day 223: (Saturday 1.07.26) : Just a home day

Body sore. Joints hurt and cant move well. Joint pain during the day, nerve pain at night. Hard to sleep. Hard to do most things exactly the same as I normally do. I have extreme temperature sensitivity. I have to use gloves when touching metal as it is freezing - more so at night). I cant unclip Cedars collar. I cant use a spoon properly sometimes. It takes my body hours in the morning to return to some kind of near normal.

I feel like this year I have aged 40 years (or more). Understand now how elderly, frail people feel, although I fast tracked everything and feel pissed off. I shouldn’t be here.

I miss my body how it used to be. I miss freedom of movement SO MUCH!

Morning tai chi movement meditation.

Walked. Cooked. Listened to music.

Today I am grateful for:

Music that makes me stop in my tracks and feel.

Day 224: (Sunday 2.07.26) : Am I ‘coasting’ ?

3am feels like lighting strikes constantly in my fingertips, burning, aching, relentless. So hard to move my body at night . I don’t know how to describe the pain in my arms - my biceps - what the hell is this? Chemotherapy induced nerve pain / damage? Apparently this is called ‘Coasting’ - where the platinum based drugs (carboplatin) and the taxanes (paclitaxel) continue to impact the nervous system for months after the last dose. Great. I had both of those!

Is it a combination of chemo side effects and Psoriatic arthritis? Why is it so bad? They told me I would get tingling and numbness in my hands and feet. If only it was just that!!!

Thank god for Duloxetine dampening down some of this feeling.

Articles explaining CIPN:

Understanding Peripheral Neuropathy & Cancer

I found multiple articles and studies showing that Bevacizumab exacerbates chemotherapy (Paclitaxel) induced neuropathy AND. also that a common side effect of Bevacizumab is that it causes Peripheral Neuropathy and affects the nervous system:

National Library of Medicine

Macmillan cancer support

Target Ovarian Cancer UK

Drugs.com

I could list more. So why did the oncology nurses and oncologists tell me that Bevacizumab doesn’t cause peripheral neuropathy? If they could feel my pain they would say otherwise, I’m sure! (not that I would want anyone else to feel this)

Time for morning movement meditation.

Hope you have a great week. xxx

Today I am grateful for:

Coffee.

Moments of Joy & Beauty noticed & experienced this week:

• Listening to The Colourist | Marie Antoinette | Ep. 27 by Annie Sloan

• Thoroughly enjoyed watching Dear Violets YouTube video; ‘The Pumpkin Plot Twist (and lots of painting)”.

• and thanks to Shelley (Dear Violet), I discovered Henry Isaacs paintings. I love how he uses colour.

• Loved watching Inside the Studio with Artist Anita Nowinkska by artfolk by Tia May I love how she talks about healing, art and nature. Beautiful paintings.

• Reading old letters from family - not realising my mum had kept anything like this.

• Enjoying the beautiful artwork of sketchbook artist - you can find her work on her instagram and her Youtube channel.

• Watching Portrait Artist of the Year, Season 11 on Binge

• Mesmerised by the beautiful music, words and voice of . Found her from curiosity, following a rabbit hole begun with Paloma the Peach, who uses music from Bandcamp. Its very rare that music makes me stop everything I am doing to listen. Last time I remember this happening was probably 30 years ago walking through Civic in Canberra and heard Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds playing from the music shop. Walked in and bought the CD (yep. That long ago).

Until next time,

Hug the people you love, Celebrate the good things in your life, Exercise and make the art that makes you happy.

All my love,

Other places you can find me:

Instagram

YouTube

Pinterest

Day 211: (Monday 20.07.26) : Painting away pain.

How many more nights of painful, interrupted sleep?

Thankful for and for painting with me on Zoom and helping me distract myself from the pain. Love you both so much.

Long awaited appointment with Nurse Bronwyn after my Zoom session- hoping that this prescription of Amitriptyline helps relieve nerve pain and lets me get some sleep!

Today I am grateful for:

Best friends painting with me on Zoom.

Day 212: (Tuesday 21.07.26) : Medication Dilemma

Begun the morning with 20 minutes of gentle Tai Chi

Mark came over and we had another day of OBS / tech fun, laughing at how nerdy we both are. I get so excited when I am learning new tech things - and they work. Mark is far more patient than I am though of course! (and his memory is better than mine).

It was a great distraction from what is going on in my body

Went to the pharmacy to pick up the script that Bronwyn gave me yesterday. I asked the pharmacist which medication would be better for Chemotherapy induced nerve pain (if that is what this is?), and they gave me print outs comparing Amitriptyline and Duloxetine in chemotherapy induced neuropathies, underlining; ‘Duloxetine has the strongest data to support its use’

I am in such a dilemma. I don’t want to take any medication. At all. Nil. Full Stop. None. Never. No thank you. No way.

Oh what to do?

WTF is this pain and why wont it go away?

Decided not to take anything tonight as I don’t know if it will make me sleepy or awake. Hoping to get through the night with Yoga Nidra and electric blanket.

Today I am grateful for:

My beautiful friends, who support, love, encourage, nurture and inspire me to keep going. They hold space for me to be whoever / however I need to be in each moment without judgement.

I am blessed. Thankyou universe for bringing such incredible people into my life.

Day 213: (Wednesday 22.07.26) : Teal Nurse Support

I thought the night would be much better than it was. Who was I kidding? It was another night of relentless, intense, unbearable pain - mostly in my right arm, elbow, bicep, shoulder, wrist and hands, but also in my left wrist and knees.

Damn it. Its time to take Duloxetine. Paracetamol and Nurofen don’t do a thing to relieve this nerve (and joint??) pain. I hate, Hate, HATE, the idea of having to take something like this. I resent it! I don’t want it to take away my joy, or dampen my happiness - those moments that are so vital to healing. I don’t want those feelings lessened. But this hell pain? I cant sleep and those happy, joy moments are more illusive.

I am also concerned about side effects.

Tired, headache, swollen (hands and knees) and sore all over, I am in love with Tai Chi movement medicine.

Renee called me just as I burst into tears from lack of sleep and pain. She was such a great support. I am going to take Duloxetine today (after I take Cedar for a bushwalk, in case it makes me drowsy - I don’t want to drive anywhere). That way, when I have my in person appointment with the Rheumatologist (yes, the one that made me cranky last week - I have to give him a chance. I am hoping his knowledge is better than his manner), I will have more information for him. Also going to see a physio.

Took 30mg of Duloxetine at 12.10pm. Wasn’t sure if it would make me drowsy or wake me up. Sadly, it woke me up so much that my brain was active all though the night and I couldn’t sleep. Then the pain came again. Talk about hell.

Also, I felt nauseous all afternoon.

Today I am grateful for:

My Teal Nurse Renee.

Day 214: (Thursday 23.07.26) : Need Sleep.

Minimal sleep, maximum pain last night. Brain wired most of the night, too awake. I guess Duloxetine is something I definitely cant take at night time (why do I always have to be different from the majority?).

Took Duloxetine at 10am. Felt nauseous - on and off most of the day. Also felt wide awake, but not quite capable of doing much.

Felt like a wasted day. Hope I don’t have many more of these.

Tai Chi moment of peace

Bought some Mega Magnesium - Night, and some Fisio creme from the pharmacy.

Today I am grateful for:

Grateful I don’t have to try and go to work through all of this. It takes me about 4 hours to get moving in the mornings now. (used to take about 5 minutes).

Day 215: (Friday 24.07.26) : Finally. Sleep!

Yeah Baby! Woohoo.

I did wake a few times with pain, strangely not in my right elbow, more my bicep and shoulder, but this time, it was my left arm that was hurting more - and my knees. The pain was no where near as bad as it has been - but why exactly?

I took 30mg Duloxetine in the morning, then a Vitamin B12 tablet. I wore a wrist brace on my right wrist all night. I took 2x Mega Magnesium Night tablets before bed and I had my electric blanket on for my arm.

Was it the combination of all of the above, plus the fact I hadn’t slept much all week that helped? I dont know.

I was so tempted to not take Duloxetine today and to see if the magnesium and vitamin B12, with wrist brace are enough to help me sleep again tonight - but more than anything I want more good sleep, so I took the tablet at 10.20am.

Morning Wake up Tai Chi and a short bush walk with Cedar.

Today I am grateful for:

Sleep!

Day 216: (Saturday 25.07.26) : Slow

Not much sleep again. Pain. WTF? I did the same thing as yesterday.

Feel very nauseous. Have been since taking the Duloxetine (3 days now).

Tai chi to shift my energy.

Walk with Cedar. A stroll through the bush and then to the lookout to see if we could spot any whales.

Today I am grateful for:

My beautiful friend Ellen, visiting and bringing me some Nerve pain relief cream; “Inner Dose” - such a heartfelt, thoughtful gift, but also - such a beautiful gift of love that far surpasses any tangible thing. Feeling loved and held. Nothing is more healing than that. xxx

Day 217: (Sunday 26.07.26) :

Yesterday I decided to NOT take the Duloxetine. I know….you probably think I’m foolish, I haven’t given it enough time, etc. but it just doesn’t sit right with me. I’m not chucking it out - just exploring curiosity and alternate pathways a bit more. I was feeling so sick and nauseous.

So last night, I took the magnesium. I did have pain throughout the night. I was awake a fair bit. But I still managed some sleep. I will see how tonight goes.

Anyway,

I really hope I can bring more joy to next weeks blog.

I feel like this has been a little tedious for me (and probably you), to write (and read), this week. I suppose pain makes you drop the ball of positivity for a bit.

I’m picking the ball back up (be it a soft squeezy ball for my hands, a tennis ball for Cedar, or a ball of wall for crochet).

I’m here to find a way to play.

Today I am grateful for:

Movement. Any movement is good!

Diary of Delight Companion Post for Week 37: (Coming Soon)

(This post will be updated to include the link soon. Please check back later 🙏🏻)

This Cancer Chronicle post has a creative companion; ‘The Diary of Delight, Week 37” . The Diary of Delight is a sketchbook practice that helps me focus on the positive, look for the light and love and draw the joy.

Moments of Joy & Beauty noticed & experienced this week:

• Drawing with Dylan Livestream - Young Kestrel

• Listening to this conversation; Creativity as self help with Toni Jones and (resonated especially with; ‘Pain pushes until vision pulls’).

• Yoga Nidra with Rumi

• Being mesmerised when hearing John Butlers soundtrack; “Breathing Cedar”.

• Discovering and Reading Snail Tales by

Until next time,

Hug the people you love, Celebrate the good things in your life, Exercise and make the art that makes you happy.

All my love,

Other places you can find me:

Instagram

YouTube

Pinterest

Day 204: (Monday 13.07.26) : Rheumatologist Telehealth

After a sleepless night of fearful pain, lack of circulation (?) in my arms / hands and scary head pain, I am starting to dread the night.

Morning Movement meditation Tai Chi

Questions for the Rheumatologist:

1. Why does the pain increase in severity at night?

2. What is causing this feeling of lack of circulation in my arms / hands? Compressed veins or nerves? Why?

3. How can I make this pain go away?

4. Why do I have a lump of fluid build up on my right wrist?

5. What is inflamed, my muscles/tendons or synovial fluid?

6. Why do my blood tests appear normal?

   et. etc. etc.

All I am going to say after todays tele health appointment is - its 2 hours later and I am still fuming!

What is it with some specialists, nurses, doctors etc - that they think its ok to make a patient feel belittled, dismissed, unheard, ridiculous, stupid and a liar?

Why do they think its ok to not listen to their patients?

That was seriously NO HELP what so ever! Just a waste of my time, energy and lots of money!

I spent the first half of the appointment answering generic questions (name, age, etc) that could have been written on a client intake form - why on earth did he not have a client intake form?

He also told me, that there is no connection between the gut and the skin (?!?!). Literally saying that what I eat will not affect my skin. (Seriously? like WTF?)

WHO BELIEVES THIS?!!?

I’m so upset. I really needed some help. (he told me to take nurofen).

Today I am grateful for:

The beautiful, caring doctors and nurses that I do have in my life (Laura, Bronwyn). Those who listen to me, respect my thoughts and beliefs and support me. They offer guidance, but don’t criticise or condemn me if I choose an alternate path first, to see if that works. Thankyou. Immensely.

Day 205: (Tuesday 14.07.26) : OBS & Water Divining

Slow start to the day after another wakeful night = got to the point where I became curious about my pain. Where did it start, what made it change etc. Watching it, feeling it, trying to stay as relaxed as I could.

Mark came over and we spent the day working in OBS, creating scenes and sources so I can record some ‘Draw together’ videos a little like this Coastcards video - which was exciting until the last half hour where OBS seemed to lose the webcam app for all newly created scenes apart from one.

Thank God Mark has the patience to put up with me. Technology does my head in some times.

Scott the plumber also came to fix my toilet and to try and discover where my underground water leak is. He is magic that young man - used metal rods to detect where all the pipes were - water divining…and - he was spot on, accurate! Got them all. Now to find the leak.

Had a lot of pain in my body all day but we are going to ignore that for today.

Today I am grateful for:

Having the most patient, thoughtful, caring and clever best friend ever. Thankyou Mark.

Day 206: (Wednesday 15.07.26) : Be gentle & kind

No sleep at all last night. Stupid pain would not let me drift off.

I am loving this Tai Chi practice - moving meditation and reminder to love ourselves no matter what. Feels so good in my body and mind.

My aim for today is to be kind and gentle with myself.

Yoga for lymphatic flow

Walked a new track - 4km from my backyard. Exercise makes me feel so much better.

Today I am grateful for:

Being able to walk in nature, hear the birds and smell the earth.

Day 207: (Thursday 16.07.26) : Nuclear Bone imaging

Another injection, scans, a few hours in between and more scans that took about an hour. Had to keep my arms above my head and my arms still for 15 minutes during one scan - there is definitely something going on with my nerves - right scapula, shoulder, elbow, wrist and hand in particular. Hand still ‘asleep’ 3 hours later.

Felt tired and nauseous for the rest of the afternoon.

In between waiting for scans, my dear friend Verity met me and we went for a walk down to the Bega racecourse. There are so many gorgeous houses and old buildings in Bega - I am super keen to explore and photograph more.

Cedar was happy and relaxed at Ellen’s house. We both love our Ellen very, very much.

Today I am grateful for:

Delightful sunshine and beautiful friends.

Day 208: (Friday 17.07.26) : Tech Day Distraction

So much pain last night. I can see why people go crazy with constant pain and lack of sleep. At one stage of the night I was jumping up and down, shaking my whole body, trying to get my tingling, painful arm / elbow and hand to stop hurting. I even started biting my hand (I was so frustrated). I just want the pain to stop.

Its been a long day with persistent pain, but no where near as bad as at night time.

Thankfully Mark came over for a tech day of distraction from pain. We were trying to work out how to create multiple scenes in OBS using the same webcam and webcam app. in each scene (so I can change scenes / viewpoints etc instantly within one video). Still haven’t completely solved the problem but it gave me something else to think about.

We are yet to figure out how to add an on screen count down timer. Also, wondering if I should call it ‘Drawing Joy’ when the Zoom sessions will also be called ‘Drawing Joy’, although it makes sense if I miss a Zoom, (i.e. have to cancel due to illness), I can post something pre-recorded, like this, instead.

The idea is that you can draw along to the reference image with me too. (and if you do, I would love to see your drawing - maybe I will open a chat thread, or you could post it to the Discord - I’ll get back to you on this).

Midday Tai Chi

Today I am grateful for:

Technology when it works!

Day 209: (Saturday 18.07.26) : Cedar turns 14 today (98 in Dog years)

This is the day I chose to be Cedars birthday. She’s a rescue pup, so the actual date is unknown. I adopted Cedar from AWL in October of 2012 and, apart from the nights she’s been in the vet, or I’ve been in hospital (and of recent she is sleeping in the spare bedroom) - we have been together every night since then. My longest and deepest relationship.

Finally had a bit of sleep. Still woke up many times with mild pain and tingling, but managed to relax my way through it and back to sleep (until Cedar woke me at 5am wanting to go outside).

Going to try and move as much as I can today while my body isn’t in as much pain - Started early with this interesting neck / lymph movement and then enjoyed Day 1 of the Neuro-lymphatic series, followed by one 10 minute set of Upper Body. (my goodness, I have lost so much strength and muscle. I have to start at the beginning again).

Oh - in case I forget (and I’m writing this as a reminder to ALL of us to listen to our bodies, PAY ATTENTION, and speak up about it. We have to BE OUR OWN BEST ADVOCATES of our health). - I have been having on / off pain in my left armpit for a few months now. Last night and this morning, it has been quite painful. I really hope the cancer hasn’t spread into my lymph. Stupid cancer can P### off! (and will I ever have a PET scan?)

Today I am grateful for:

Getting any amount of sleep I can.

Day 210: (Sunday 19.07.26) : I want an (accurate) answer

How can it be that my bed has become a place of torture? That’s what it feels like at night. I hardly slept. Couldn’t get comfortable because intense pain came when I was still, when I moved - all night! WTF?!! Stop already! I thought I was getting better. I thought all the movement I did yesterday helped? Ouch. Nothing is working.

It feels like multiple vices are gripping and tightening on my nerves, twisting and pulling them so they squeeze my elbows, wrists, knees, low back , ankles. I cant bend my fingers, they hurt and feel like they are asleep. My wrists feel like I have fire in them that stabs every time I move. My feather doona is too heavy to move without pain.

How do I make this go away?

What is this?

Is this from the chemo drugs?, The Bevacizumab (Avastin)?, Menopause (I seriously doubt this much pain would be from that alone!), Psoriatic Arthritis? (although now it feels like its changed from joint, nerve and muscle pain to mostly nerve and muscle pain), A virus? (I had Ross River Fever in 2010), ???

I wish I had answers.

I am so sorry I have not ended the week on a positive note for anyone who is reading this.

Right, going to go outside in the sun now and cheer myself up a bit.

Much love to you, Always. xxx

Today I am grateful for:

Morning light. Getting out of bed.

Diary of Delight Companion Post for Week 36: (Coming One day)

(This post will be updated to include the link soon. Please check back later 🙏🏻)

This Cancer Chronicle post has a creative companion; ‘The Diary of Delight, Week 36” . The Diary of Delight is a sketchbook practice that helps me focus on the positive, look for the light and love and draw the joy.

Moments of Joy & Beauty noticed & experienced this week:

• Listening to ’s Podcast on her YouTube Channel; Art After Dark. I love how honest and relatable their discussions are. I feel like I’m hanging out with my friends. Very inspiring.

• Great to hear this Creative Pep Talk by - resonated SO much! I am currently in ‘the block’ - cancer treatment block!

• Discovering Eligned Movement by Australian, Ellice De Giovanni

Until next time,

Hug the people you love, Celebrate the good things in your life, Exercise and make the art that makes you happy.

All my love,

Other places you can find me:

Instagram

YouTube

Pinterest

Day 197: (Monday 6.07.26) : Beanie Found

Warm Up Dru Yoga Activations & Santosh

Kellie heads north today, onwards with her adventures back home to the Territory so I took her on a short walk through the bush before saying goodbye.

Having lost my favourite beanie on Saturday, I drove back to Tura beach to look for it - happily finding it on a sign post; “Wharf to Wharf” walk. Hooray for the unwritten rule of south coast beaches - thou shalt not steal. Not that anyone else would want that beanie, but it got me thinking about how many times I’ve left shoes or jumpers, bags and stuff - and its always there when I return.

The rest of the day was a blur - food preparation, Cedar snuggles and gentle movement to help ease pain. As per usual, very early dinner and in bed by about 7pm.

Today I am grateful for:

The sacredness, and respect of the beach.

Day 198: (Tuesday 7.07.26) : Patreon Treat

Beautiful 15 minute Tai Chi start to the day - I literally had tingles in my head doing this. I LOVE it. Also, helped ease my joint / connective tissue pain (that has kept me awake since 3am).

Fingers crossed - New ways to detect if Ovarian cancer will respond / recur?

Today I treated myself and purchased 2 x annual memberships to 2 of my favourite Illustrators on Patreon; and Great for company in the studio while I’m painting. Also, fun and a bit of motivation. Hopefully, I can join some live drawing sessions on zoom when time zones work, otherwise, replays are still lots of fun.

How fun would it be if you joined Emma’s Patreon and / or Katie’s Patreon with me?

Today I am grateful for:

Movement energetics - feeling energy with mindful movement.

Day 199: (Wednesday 8.07.26) : Bevacizumab POSTPONED

Thank God I’m not having treatment today. It would have been round 4 of 13, (after the 6 rounds of chemo that also included 2 rounds of Bevacizumab).

Pain, broken sleep and tears.

Morning Mindful Movement to shift my emotional state and help my body move - Tai Chi

Today I am grateful for:

Exercise snacks making me feel better (1 minute of squats, jumping jacks, bench push ups, etc. randomly throughout the day to get my blood pumping).

Day 200: (Thursday 9.07.26) : Midnight Vice Grip

200 days since my Cancer treatment started. Never expected any of this - least of all to end up in severe pain each night as currently experiencing.

Voice messaged my Doctor, Laura early in the morning (not 2am like I wanted to though), who thankfully replied with more blood tests to be done and referrals to whichever rheumatologist can see me first. Also a script for Prednisolone, and a nuclear medicine bone scan.

Mindful Movement - 15 minutes Tai Chi

Counselling session with Kate - which at first I didn’t think I needed, but Oh Boy, did I need it! Cried. A lot. Kate helped me see this medication as a way to lovingly attend to my body, a way to find peace.

Today I am grateful for:

My Doctor, Laura, and my counsellor, Kate.

Day 201: (Friday 10.07.26) : The night grip gets fierce

No words to describe the night pain. Vice grip on my muscles, tendons, nerves, veins and joints doesn’t begin to come close to what I feel. Right side is worse - scapula, shoulder, elbow (most painful along with my right wrist), wrists and hands. Both arms lose all circulation. Hands feel swollen and painful. Neck, low back and both knees hurt. Cant use a pillow. Cant sleep on my side. Cant sleep, pain is so fierce. Cant lift blankets up, my wrists are too inflamed. Cant use scissors or open jars properly. I could go on.

Took several paracetamol, which didn’t help - just had stomach pain (the whole day).

Morning Tai Chi - welcome relief.

Another day of hospital, doctors, specialists, pharmacy, bloods taken, medications administered.

There goes the day again.

I’m so tired.

I cried a lot today.

Today I am grateful for:

Eternally grateful for my dear, beautiful friend Ellen.

Day 202: (Saturday 11.07.26) : Morning Sun

Finally, a night with bearable pain and a bit more sleep. Hooray. Is this the turning? On the up now? I’m ready for it!

I still can’t move my hands properly and I have pain in most areas of my body, but its not that fierce, intense, grip that it has been the last few days or so.

Morning Movement Meditation Tai Chi - learning to nurture and love myself, and then later in the morning, when it had warmed up a bit, walked Cedar through the bush, both of us enjoying the sunshine.

Today I am grateful for:

A lovely, much needed, quiet day.

Day 203: (Sunday 12.07.26) : List for Rheumatologist

I thought the pain was going away.

Nope.

Back with a vengeance last night.

I can honestly say, the pain I went through during chemotherapy treatment is nothing compared to this.

Has Bevacizumab triggered Psoriatic Arthritis? Have I got a virus? (I hope its just that) When I asked the Oncology Pharmacist, she said it is possible that Bev has triggered PsA. Please God, No! Please make this go away!

This is part of a list I’m writing for my Rheumatology tele health appointment tomorrow - I thought I may as well write some of it here. Could it ever help someone else I wonder?

Night List:

• Deep, gripping, fierce continuous pain - main areas affected = Right scapula, shoulder, elbow, wrist. Feels like its muscles, nerves and veins. Veins feel like they are being constricted. Did not realise nerve pain could be so intense.

• Left knee feels like my joint is out of place whenever I move it. Painful

• Left wrist feels on fire, painfully inflamed when moved.

• Both hands & fingers hard to make into a fist - wont bend, feel sore and swollen

• Neck pain and back of head

• Both arms lose all circulation - particularly Right arm and hand.

• All movement hurts. Pain wakes me and then keeps me awake.

• Low back pain

• Oesophagus region still sensitive and painful when deep breathing (chemo side effect)

Morning List:

• Cant bend hands at all - cant make fists, fingers wont go to normal range of movement. They feel more swollen than what they look. (scared I wont be able to paint or draw).

• Wrists weak and sore. Hard to get blankets off me and get out of bed.

• Right hand still hasnt got proper circulation.

• Thumb and finger joints unable to do normal things - lift coffee cup or kettle etc. Very hard to move.

• Knees feel very swollen and hard to bend.

• Soles of feet (the balls) hurt when I tread. A lot.

• Back of neck hurts.

• Gentle movement helps - stillness doesn’t.

Anyway, I’ve had enough of that. Going to get outside in the morning light and move my body now.

I am sorry if this weeks blog is a bit sooky- la-la.

Cancer is hard, but all the other stuff that goes with it is harder.

Today I am grateful for:

The morning sky, bird song and crescent moon.

Diary of Delight Companion Post for Week 35: (Coming Soon)

(This post will be updated to include the link one day - I hope. Please check back later 🙏🏻)

This Cancer Chronicle post has a creative companion; ‘The Diary of Delight, Week 35” . The Diary of Delight is a sketchbook practice that helps me focus on the positive, look for the light and love and draw the joy.

Moments of Joy & Beauty noticed & experienced this week:

• Listening to The Good Ship Illustration Podcast interview with Lauren Currie OBE. I love Laurens explanation of why Imposter Syndrome is not real.

• Finding my beanie on the beach after losing it 2 days prior.

• Really enjoyed this discussion with The Society of Illustrators on Comics and Education - more so from the teaching side, but also from the aspect of art student.

• Finding my long lost sock when I washed the doona cover. It must have been hiding in a corner somehow (?). Seems like its the week of finding lost things. Now waiting to find my favourite backpack and handmade plein air sketchbook.

• Interesting discussion on Ayurveda for Bone Health & Circadian Rhythms

• The best hugs in the world from Ellen, when I arrived at her door and knew as soon as words came out, I would cry.

• Reading Substack post Collecting Colours

• I have been loving watching ’s sketchbook Tours on YouTube - From realistic paintings to messy sketches, and Mixed media paintings that will inspire you in particular. I love that she encourages play, presence and continued learning, adapting and healing through art.

• Sam Rudd’s loose landscape paintings and colour palettes.

Until next time,

Hug the people you love, Celebrate the good things in your life, Exercise and make the art that makes you happy.

All my love,

Other places you can find me:

Instagram

YouTube

Pinterest

Day 190: (Monday 29.06.26) : Need sleep

Hardly slept last night. In between Cedar waking me up and pain in my arms / wrists and hands I don’t think I even got 2 hours sleep.

Crappy, emotional, frustrating day as you can imagine.

Hope I don’t have too many more like this.

Tried to paint but my hands too sore to paint how I normally do -

Ok - time to REFRAME. Instead of being grumpy about it, see it as a blessing. (can I do that?)

Is this an opportunity to paint messy, fast, scribbly?

Who knows?

Just don’t give up!

Qi Gong practices for Sleep - 1. Sleep 2.Sleep 3. Sleep

Today I am grateful for:

Nature. Being able to go for a walk in the bush and find quiet healing.

Day 191: (Tuesday 30.06.26) : Movement as Prayer

Cedar slept in the spare room last night with the heater on. I desperately needed a better night sleep and she wakes me up several times throughout the night as she changes her sleeping position. I missed her and worried that she would be upset. I was awake around midnight so went and checked, grateful she is very deaf now. Her blankets had been messed up and she is quite incontinent now, but she stayed asleep.

Looking after an old dog, on your own, when you are not well yourself is one of the most difficult things of this journey.

I did manage to sleep longer than the previous few nights, but I has so much intense pain in my right arm during the night. No circulation in either arm - even when lying on my back. Incredibly uncomfortable. Fingers all swollen and can’t bend them. Both wrists painful to move or bend. Pain literally keeping me awake. All I wanted to do was imagine fire flowing through my right arm to get rid of the pain. What the F***ing hell is this pain? Go the F### away!

Bloods? I have to get more bloods taken today but I sure as hell don’t want to. I don’t want any more needles thanks!

Stated my morning in my pyjamas with this practice - Opening to the Cosmic Spiral - Dru QiGong.

Movement as prayer. Connecting to the energetic body / realm. Visualisation and movement to embody healing.

Luke came over and we went for a short walk through the bush before I plucked the motivation to go and get my bloods taken.

Rest of the day went fast with house chores, Doctors appointment and looking after Cedar.

I was still rather emotional as lack of sleep, pain and looking after an old, anxious dog on my own is HARD WORK. I’m tired and I need a break.

Today I am grateful for:

Movement as Prayer. Connecting to energy.

Day 192: (Wednesday 1.07.26) : Podiatrist

Cedar slept in the spare room again with the heater on. She has slept by my bed (or in my bed) almost every night for nearly 14 years. It is taking some adjusting for us both. I miss her but I desperately need sleep, and her waking me every hour is not helping me heal.

She wet her bed again, but I had a much better sleep and my pain is considerably less. Washing all of her bed blankets.

Another emotional morning, bleeding again which is incredibly disappointing.

12.30pm Podiatrist

Today I am grateful for:

SLEEP!

Day 193: (Thursday 2.07.26) : Oncology with Dr. Jess Smith

Hooray - Cedar did not wet the bed last night. We slept in separate rooms again but I definitely stayed up too late watching Binge. Always enjoyable in the moment, regrettable the next morning. When will I learn?

Started my morning with a short Dru Yoga - Energy Block Release 1 to try and relieve my painful joints.

Cedar went to visit my dear friend Ellen in Bega, while I went across the road to the hospital.

Oncology appt. 9am with Dr. Jess Smith, Medical Director of Cancer Services supporting oncology units across the NSW southern region. Jess is filling in for Dr. Mahmood while he is on leave (in the UK where I wish I was).

We discussed my joint pain, bleeding, digestive issues, lack of sleep, etc and came up with a plan.

I am having a 6 week break from Treatment. In the break I will see a rheumatologist, monitor my pain and bleeding etc and have a phone appointment with Dr. Mahmood in 3 weeks, then scans (& I’m assuming bloods) and an in person appointment with Dr. Mahmood in 6 weeks. Meanwhile I keep seeing a counsellor and try and boost my health as much as possible.

They will chase the Folate receptor Alpha test results - hopefully this could lead to a treatment option sometime (?).

I am so relieved to be off Bevacizumab for a while. Also a tiny bit nervous.

Today I am grateful for:

Deep, lasting friendships.

Day 194: (Friday 3.07.26) : Move. Any way you can.

Still researching about joint pain with Bevacizumab - found this article, and this one. Pain in my joints and muscles kept me awake again. (and when I say pain, oh boy, do I mean PAIN).

Inspiration: The Importance of Exercise during a cancer journey

Today I am grateful for:

Cedar. Beautiful, committed, loyal, loving Cedar.

Day 195: (Saturday 4.07.26) : Kel visits

Kel came to visit all the way from Katherine in the Northern Territory. We met whilst we were both teaching at Katherine High School, about 26 years ago.

Today I am grateful for:

Seeing the world through the eye of an artist, noticing (and loving) the interplay of light, shadows and shapes - and having friends that do too.

Day 196: (Sunday 5.07.26) : Art & Friendship

Kellie and I have sketched and painted via Zoom (Katherine to Kalaru), and today, the fire is going in the studio, Cedar asleep as close as she can get, and Kellie is coming over for an in person art hang day. My favourite kind of day!

I did have a very rough and painful night last night - it seems this ‘joint’ (but also muscles, tendons and nerves) pain is spreading around my body and my spine and back muscles were intensely painful last night. Its worse at night. I can cope fairly well during the day. The more I move, the better. But at night? No way! And if I don’t go to sleep early, when I first feel tired (if I push through and watch another episode - which, rebellious, childish me, did last night), the pain is too intense. Way too intense.

Please God, tell me this is a side effect of Bevacizumab that will go away! Also, Please God, don’t let my cancer grow anymore. I’m scared.

Today I am grateful for:

Art. Friendship. Quiet mornings.

Diary of Delight Companion Post for Week 34: (I’m not sure what’s happening to this to be honest. I am so far behind)

(This post will be updated to include the link soon. Please check back later 🙏🏻)

This Cancer Chronicle post has a creative companion; ‘The Diary of Delight, Week 34” . The Diary of Delight is a sketchbook practice that helps me focus on the positive, look for the light and love and draw the joy.

Moments of Joy & Beauty noticed & experienced this week:

• Reading Mason Currey’s post; Know your creative cycles - I can relate to every single one of these representations! Laughing, crying and a sense of relief all at the same time.

• Listening to Debbie Rose Miller on the Painting Insights Podcast. Also, I LOVE her Off The Wall Collection (also how she uses Art with clients in her Therapy practice)

• Discovering the Inklings Book Club podcast - and listening to Claire Foy, Nicola Coughlan and Ruby Granger talk about my favourite childhood book; The Magic Faraway Tree (also on Spotify)

• Watching A bottomless reservoir of Joy about Illustrator, by Curren Sheldon

• Dear, much loved friends visiting from interstate - Luke from the Yarra Valley in Victoria, and from Katherine in the Northern Territory.

• Sketching from life.

Until next time,

Hug the people you love, Celebrate the good things in your life, Exercise and make the art that makes you happy.

All my love,

Other places you can find me:

Instagram

YouTube

Pinterest

Day 183: (Monday 22.06.26) : Gratitude Mindset

I want to call ‘The Cancer Chronicles’, just ‘The Chronicles”. It sounds better and makes me feel better. Oh well. I’m not going to change it - it is what it is.

Spent the late afternoon working on some Journal Prompt Ideas that link to potential, future Zoom calls, playing in Procreate and seriously wishing there were more hours in the day.

Today I am grateful for:

Creative ideas flowing through my brain.

Day 184: (Tuesday 23.06.26) : Spontaneity

My mornings are getting later and later, but I am enjoying the slow starts to the day.

My joints are crazy sore in the mornings (and all through the night). It takes a long time to get moving. My feet hurt all of the time. Cant wait for the Podiatrist next week. Really need to buy some extra wide, extra supportive / cushioning shoes.

Been feeling oddly lonely the last few days. I am missing being at work. The social connections are a lifeline and I am really missing my friends and work colleagues, ordinary days and some sense of structure to the day.

I cancelled my Doctors appointment this morning - may not have been the smartest thing to do (I have a few concerns), but I just have too many appointments and my days (and creativity) are always so interrupted.

Spontaneously went to the Pambula River Mouth. The day was too gorgeous to be inside.

Today I am grateful for:

Winters afternoon sunshine on my closed eyelids.

Beaches in Winter.

Day 185: (Wednesday 24.06.26) : Elimination please.

5am and drinking coffee (always grateful for the morning coffee - in fact, I am looking forward to it before I even go to bed the night before).

I couldn’t unclip Cedars clip on collar last night because my thumb and finger joints were so painful and weak. I was awake a lot during the night (like most nights, for different reasons - a lot to do with Cedar waking me, some to do with pain). It felt like I had burning blisters in my hand joints that were on fire without me even moving. What the heck? (and they say this is from menopause? when I’m on cancer drugs? Come on!!)

This morning I am moving purposely and trying to get blood flow into my hands.

How much pain is this journey going to bring me? (I’ve had enough already thanks!).

I am seriously wondering if this drug, Bevacizumab is worth it? Last night I listened to on talking about his cancer journey and he said something like; ‘stabilisation? I don’t want stabilisation, I want elimination’. I cried. YES. That’s what I want too (I’m crying again now).

I need to revisit Kelly Turner’s Radical Remission and Jeff Redigers book Cured.

My finger and toe nails are starting to peel off.

I have Psoriasis on the backs AND the palms of my hands.

It is rightly P***ing me off!

Julie and I had a lovely catchup on Zoom this morning.

Today I am grateful for:

Zoom technology helping me stay connected to my darling friends.

Day 186: (Thursday 25.06.26) : Counselling

Incredibly painful joints all night. Not much sleep.

I am seriously considering not taking Bevacizumab anymore and will be having this discussion with the Oncologist next Thursday (I am seeing a female oncologist, Jess Smith, while Dr. Mahmood is away and so am currently writing a list of questions to ask her).

Counselling session with Kate

A bit emotional today. Went outside a lot. Did a tiny bit of mowing, swept the verandah - gentle walk in nature with Cedar and soon ran out of energy.

Today I am grateful for:

Living close to Nature.

Day 187: (Friday 26.06.26) : Energy Flow

Night:

My joints and muscles are in so much pain its hard to sleep properly. I’m a side sleeper - usually - but I have to sleep on my back now because when I lie on my side, even for 2 minutes, both arms lose ALL circulation each night. Nothing there. It doesn’t feel great (understatement).

I cant bend my fingers, wrists or elbows without pain. My shoulders are starting to feel the same. Things are getting worse. When anything touches my joints (touches my skin), it feels like frozen, stabbing fire. It burns. It is so painful.

My toes hurt under the covers. How I place my feel in bed matters now. I cant get comfortable.

I’m tired and I need sleep.

What is causing this joint pain? (obvious to me - the Bevacizumab!).

How can I reduce this pain? Naturally? Reduce inflammation?

(stop taking bevacizumab! - is what my inner self is screaming). I can take paracetamol, but what else can I do?

Ok - what about change my diet? Reduce sugar (fruit sugar, potatoes etc - but that’s losing nutrients / fibre I need), cut dairy (? - Oh god no!), Give up coffee (are you crazy?), Drink more water (easy). Yikes, this diet thing might be hard.

I don’t drink alcohol, or eat gluten. I’m not really eating red meat (or any meat - other than occasional salmon). I eat pretty well. Or so I thought??

Reduce Stress! (easier said than done at the moment - but YES - lets look into that).

Movement practice - energy / life force focus - Tai Chi, Qi Gong,

Joy - find more joy. What really feels joyful? What fills my energy cup (or bucket as Kate says)?

Morning:

I cant put weight on my wrists to get myself out of bed.

I cant lift my coffee cup or the kettle without using both hands.

I cant use my hands properly.

Freaking out here - what if I lose the ability to paint?

(Good initiator to bloody well PAINT MORE NOW!!!).

Exploring gentle movement practices - started my morning (happily still in in pyjamas and dressing gown) with this 15 minute Tai Chi practice. WOW! Mindful movement. This was a great way to bring my breath, mind and movement into sync.

I found a few more Youtube videos on Tai Chi and Qi Gong and did them, than went for a long, leisurely bushwalk with Cedar. We chose different tracks to our usual - much to Cedars happiness.

Spent the afternoon cleaning the studio. Didn’t get much done - not sure where the time went but I really feel like those short, gentle movement practices this morning helped me be able to keep my body moving all day.

Early dinner (4.30pm these days). I have been doing time restricted eating for a while now. I don’t eat anything between the hours of 6pm and 6am. I had to implement this because my digestive system is still being affected by the cancer treatments, but I think its a good thing to do anyway. I love listening to the ZOE nutrition podcasts - and timed restricted eating, or intermittent fasting, is one way to help your gut microbiome heal. Bring it on!

Today I am grateful for:

Mindful Movement Practices.

Day 188: (Saturday 27.06.26) : Fighting Fatigue

Spent the whole day cleaning and rearranging the Granny Flat.

I keep forgetting how low my energy levels are and I don’t really know how to manage it. There are too many things I want to do. I have plans, and I cant get to them. Such a bummer.

Also, my wrists and fingers hurt so much. I cant move them properly. Its been a struggle. Sometimes, when something even lightly touches my thumb joints, they explode with burning, blistery pain that lasts for AGES! What the hell?

I have psoriasis on my hands again and so wore cheap rubber gardening gloves all day to help protect them. Glad it was a cold day.

Digestive system feels like it did after chemo - weird, metallic (kind of unexplainable rawness) in my throat and chest. Pain in my chest again, particularly when taking a deep breath.

I don’t want anything to stop me doing what I want to do.

Today I am grateful for:

Being able to go to bed at 7pm.

Day 189: (Sunday 28.06.26) : Sunday already?

How did we get here so soon?

All I can tell you about today so far is that I’ve been awake since 3am, read some great Substack blogs, in particular loved and subscribed to The Creative leap by and ate a breakfast of grated carrot, beetroot and cabbage, parsley from the garden, red onion, 4 bean mix and cold potatoes.

Who knew that could taste good? (I’m trying to nourish my microbiome and eat 30+ plants / week).

What I am aiming for the rest of the day is to bushwalk with Cedar, do some gentle Movement practices - Opening to the Cosmic Spiral - Dru QiGong and Energy Block release 1 - Dru Yoga and then, of course, Paint, Create, Make and Play.

I wish all of you a beautiful week. x

Today I am grateful for:

Aly Boothroyd’s Yoga Nidra for Sleep (on Youtube but I listen to it on Insight timer on my phone in the middle of the night).

Diary of Delight Companion Post for Week 33: (Coming … perhaps, one day . . . soon, I hope)

(This post will be updated to include the link soon. Please check back later 🙏🏻)

This Cancer Chronicle post has a creative companion; ‘The Diary of Delight, Week 33” . The Diary of Delight is a sketchbook practice that helps me focus on the positive, look for the light and love and draw the joy.

Moments of Joy & Beauty noticed & experienced this week:

• By far my most favourite of Affirmations for Wellbeing to listen to.

• Oh my goodness - I laughed so much I was crying when reading ’s post; ‘How Drawing turned my life Magical’. Such intense joy.

• Seeing Cedar so happy at the beach.

• Sun on my skin.

• HEAL with Kelly - Healing begins when the body feels safe

• Walking barefoot on the beach on a sunny, winters day. (First time barefoot in months and it wasn’t too painful)

• Watching Cedar enjoy meeting a new dog on the bush track and making friends.

• Talking with Uta on the phone about Ovarian Cancer and knowing she understands everything I am going through.

• Zoom catchup with Julie

• Mindful movement (Tai chi and Qi Gong) and feeling my energy afterwards

• Enjoying Karin Lauria’s illustration style. (I really want to learn more about how to use Procreate).

Until next time,

Hug the people you love, Celebrate the good things in your life, Exercise and make the art that makes you happy.

All my love,

Other places you can find me:

Instagram

YouTube

Pinterest

The unpaused pause.

So it turns out - I actually enjoy writing these blog posts and they do help me look for the positives in every day.

Not only do they help me get my head around things, but they also help my friends understand what it is I am going through. I write here so I don’t have to spend more time than necessary, talking about my cancer and living in the trauma of it all.

Thankyou, beautiful friend, for reading, and for helping me rise above. Your reading this, is a treasured gift. I am honoured.

Day 176: (Monday 15.06.26) : Bloods & Joint pain

Mind actively racing last night, was a combination of watching TV before bed and knowing I had to get up early to take Cedar to Ellen’s before I go in to the hospital for my pre treatment blood tests etc. Approx. 1hr sleep. This meant incredibly sore joints all day - especially my right elbow, both wrists, hands, knees, neck and my lower back. Couldn’t hold my coffee cup or the kettle. Couldn’t pull out weeds or lift things. Felt pain and weakness. Very frustrating as I know how important muscle strength is for protecting fragile bones.

Cedar was comfortable and happy at Ellen’s, which made me happy. I am so grateful and blessed for this beautiful friendship.

Mark came over for a couple of hours to help me in the garden and I’m sorry to say, put up with my grumpiness, yet again.

Laura called in the afternoon and we had a long chat about the joint pain, medications etc. Part of my blood tests this morning included inflammation markers - so we will wait and see what they say before trying anything (other than getting a good sleep, moving my body as much as I can and eating clean).

Day 177: (Tuesday 16.06.26) : Ongoing questions

Morning Yoga after a much better sleep - Hooray!

What is Joy?

Sometimes joy is the slow burn of showing up every day, in that - its not the every day that always brings joy as such, but the overall consistency achieved, the effort over time, the sense of satisfaction and achievement. Doing small things every day, that contribute to a bigger whole, or, just the knowing that I’ve persisted on days when I haven’t felt like it - even if it was just for 5 minutes.

Quitting, not finishing things, starting projects and leaving them half undone, walking away, only to return months later to continue, and then walk away again. This seems to be my pattern with most things creative.

I always have an abundance of creative ideas (If only I could sell my idea’s - but then again - would I want to?).

I see how things fit together. I see the big picture - the creative web of inspiration. I see how things could work and flow. I get excited. I’m inspired. I start the project. I dive deep. I’m obsessed. I create booklets and blog posts and PDF downloadables. I take photos and make Instagram posts and Youtube videos.

I can see workshops and classes, or exhibitions and things I could publish.

And then something happens - I get tired. I press pause. I don’t share things. I keep things hidden. Everything is in the backend as a draft. What happens?

(Ok, cancer can be a big contributor at the moment - stupid appointments take up so much time…p.s. they’re not really stupid, just annoying how many I have to have).

I’m great at the conception, the planning, the organising, doing the work, getting things ready, and then… something happens.

I stop.

I quit.

I go a different direction.

Only to look back later and wish I hadn’t.

Maybe I’m a person who likes to do things in the background?

Maybe I’m scared of the pressure of social media and having to answer people’s comments (honestly, I cant even keep up with friends who message me about my cancer, let alone on a wider basis) - but then I think, there must be ways around this? Develop a system, insert business hours for this kind of stuff, etc.

That would mean some sort of timetable, right? Well that’s easy when I’m at work (my teaching job), but at home?

I could keep going on and on and on. Head chatter. Theory. Theoretical. Too much time on the thinking. Wasting time.

Go do something.

Blood test results came back with low inflammation markers - which is good, I think - and means its not an inflammatory arthritis / autoimmune response, but rather, seems to be a side effect of the drug Bevacizumab.

Day 178: (Wednesday 17.06.26) : Bevacizumab (no. 3 of 13)

Crazy, rich and full on dreams last night - the most I remember was a nurse giving me the wrong intravenous medication and me wanting her to stop giving it to me, but she had to read all the things - all the research and talk to other doctors before stopping it. I woke up in a sweat before she stopped the needle.

Morning bush walk with Cedar who has slept ever since (I mean, for hours afterwards).

So many needles. I hate them so much.

Researching if Bevacizumab causes Joint pain - YES IT DOES (thankyou very much to the nurses who keep telling me it doesn’t, your words feel quietly patronising). Read this retrospective analyses or this article on side effects. Its real.

Day 179: (Thursday 18.06.26) : Creative day at Home

Making the most of a dreary day outside. Fire going, Cedar sleeping and in my P.J’s until 11am! Unheard of!

Painting in Procreate today.

Day 180: (Friday 19.06.26) : YES to creativity!

Another creative day at home.

Day 181: (Saturday 20.06.26) : I talk too much

Bushwalk with very sore feet - joint and nerve pain. Grateful for good shoes, but shame I have to wear shoes all day, inside and out now as the ground hurts without them. Anyway, Cedar hand I had a lovely long mosey this morning. We enjoyed the slow pace.

Spent waaaaay too long on the phone this morning, and although a good conversation with a dear friend, I felt like the day had slipped away on me again and I felt a tad stressed. I am in the middle of creative flow and want to keep going while I can.

My upper digestive system is feeling some pain again - choosing to quietly ignore it as best I can today (not really, but kind of).

Oh damn. Its nearly dark. OH! Solstice tomorrow. Shortest day of the year!

Day 182: (Sunday 21.06.26) : Winter Solstice

I have realised that my obsessive backwards and forwards about whether I want to do the zoom sessions or not, my constantly creating things (blog posts, drawing session ideas and collections, etc) in the background and not making public, my questioning and wondering if I want an art business or not, my planning and going ahead as if I am… etc., etc., etc., - IT IS A GOOD THING at this current stage and time in my life.

I have a focus other than the fear that Cancer brings me.

This cancer I have, freaks the bejesus out of me (to keep it polite). I am petrified to tears of what could happen. I am in the Ovarian Cancer Australia support group on Facebook and I read what other women, who have what I have, are going through. I do not want that to be my future.

So I will keep doing what I am doing.

I would much prefer to be all consumed with Art (inc. Substack and zoom stuff), than horrifying cancer stuff.

Now to find the balance of Art (inc. Substack etc.) and wellbeing.

Onwards and Upwards dear friends.

Onwards and Upwards. xxx

Diary of Delight Companion Post for Week 32: (Coming One day)

(This post will be updated to include the link soon. Please check back later 🙏🏻)

This Cancer Chronicle post has a creative companion; ‘The Diary of Delight, Week 32” . The Diary of Delight is a sketchbook practice that helps me focus on the positive, look for the light and love and draw the joy.

Moments of Joy & Beauty noticed & experienced this week:

• Enjoyed this conversation on Posture, Bone Density & Muscle

• Inspired by the layout of Cult of Create

• Thoroughly enjoyed listening to portrait artist; Miriam Hoffman, (and checking out her incredible oil paintings) on the Undraped Artist Podcast.

• Love how Haidee-Jo Summers paints light. Also love her use of the values scale. Great Conversation on the Painting Insights Podcast

• My beautiful friend Elle Belle.

• School friends.

• Voice messages with my dear friend Becc.

• My friendship with Julie.

• I am LOVING Reading ‘s Substack; The Habit of Art. I am so inspired by her gorgeous visuals, combining photography, text and digital drawing. One of my favourite posts is this one about Nature Journaling for people who love being indoors. So good!

• Enjoyed this Video on 5 Gouache Tips for filling an awesome sketchbook by Dylan M. I also really loved her video on How to Pick Colour Palettes.

Until next time,

Hug the people you love, Celebrate the good things in your life, Exercise and make the art that makes you happy.

All my love,

Other places you can find me:

Instagram

YouTube

Pinterest

Day 169: (Monday 8.06.26) : long weekend of Sun

Early morning bushwalk with Cedar - and then another walk with my dear school friend, Justine.

I feel like its been a lovely, long weekend of catching up with school friends - I walked with Donna on Saturday, saw Trudy on Sunday and walked with Justine today.

My dear friend Wendy received an AOM for services to animals. Cedar and I are immensely proud and happy for Wendy, and not the least bit surprised.

Day 170: (Tuesday 9.06.26) : Headland

Dreamt I enrolled in Art School to be a student and they made me head lecturer of painting. Not sure that was why I wanted to go to art school - woke up before I got to see what happened.

Slow start to the morning, drove to Tura headland for a walk with Cedar and then to Merimbula to hang out with Mark. We had a supermarket adventure. I’ve only entered a supermarket twice in the last 8 months - WOW! So many colours, lights and noises. Total overstimulation! (but I did get some yummy silver beat).

Last day of antibiotics! Yay!

Bones and joints are crazy sore (low back, knees, wrists, elbows and fingers in particular).Night time is much worse.

I feel like this Bevacizumab has made my body age 100 years. I don’t like it.

I truly understand the risk of falls and breaking bones now. At night, or in the morning when I get up to go to the toilet, I cant move properly. I have no strength and my bones and joints ache so much, it hurts to use them. I’m fragile and I’ve almost fallen a few times. Is this what older people feel? I must get stronger!

Day 171: (Wednesday 10.06.26) : Movement is Medicine

Started my morning with some Gentle Joint Freeing Yoga and also listened to this Morning Meditation.

I also found this video particularly helpful and interesting - Pelvic Floor Health

My joints and bones are hurting so much - bushwalk certainly helped, but I feel like this pain is increasing. It keeps me awake at night (far out - there’s always something hey?). Movement is good. Stillness is bad. Ouch.

Beautiful Tanja came to visit with a beautiful box of Organic Fruit and Vegetables.

Listened to this affirmation by Louise Hay - Every Cell in my Body is filled with Healing Energy and peaceful Light.

Day 172: (Thursday 11.06.26) : Non - Negotiables

Yoga for Back & Spine Flexibility (with my own modifications)

Playing around in Canva and Procreate with my sketchbook paintings from The Diary of Delight, No.1:

Trying to figure out a daily “non-negotiables’ list has made me realise how much time wellbeing takes. Looking after myself the way I would ideally want to (movement, nutrition, meditation, creativity, all the things) - on a daily basis, takes a bit of effort and perhaps some planning could help. That’s what I am trying to do today - a flexible, adaptable, realistic plan that I can and will stick to.

Some things that are NON-NEGOTIABLE:

Movement (my bones, joints, muscles and nerves are too sore and weak to not prioritise this daily).

Nourishing nutrition -Eating healthy, filtered water, early dinner, eat the rainbow - (predominantly) plant protein

Prioritise sleep.

Day 173: (Friday 12.06.26) : Darling Cedar.

Slow start to the morning as I was awake most of the night with Cedar. She’s not been well the last few days and we have to keep getting up and going outside for her. Having an old, anxious, almost deaf, dog does not make the healing journey easy.

Suffice to say, she still wants food all the time so that’s a good sign (if not annoying).

Lovely, slow, restorative walk through the bush tracks with Cedar and then a modified version of this Yoga for Upper Back and Shoulders.

Lots of beautiful, deep and meaningful phone chats and voice messages with good friends over the last two days.

Slow walk with Cedar along the headland near Kianinny.

Day 174: (Saturday 13.06.26) : R.I.P David Hockney

Woke early to hear the news that David Hockney has died at the age of 88. His work ethic, Joy for life and prolific creative experimentation are qualities I admire greatly.

Thankyou for the colour, freedom and inspiration David Hockney, forever grateful.

Morning Yoga Detox Flow - Wow! This certainly was a detox for me - I could taste it and breathe it out. Loved it.

Loved it but it took everything out of me. I didn’t realise how little energy I have in reserve. Or no energy in reserve. Felt grumpy, tired beyond tired and could have gone to bed at noon.

My dear friend Ellen came over for a few hours in the afternoon, for which I am so grateful. A cup of tea and a good talk with a good friend is sometimes all we need.

Day 175: (Sunday 14.06.26) : Counselling Session. PAUSE.

This morning I had my first, much needed online / video counselling session with Kate.

For a while, maybe a week or more, I am PAUSING the Cancer Chronicles blog so I can re-wire my neural pathways and focus more on healing, joy and being in the present moment.

Thankyou. Sending you my love, always. xxx

Moments of Joy & Beauty noticed & experienced this week:

• Really enjoyed watching this artist on You Tube - Deanna Jacome - I love how quirky she is - A Full Day in The Painting Studio.

• Wendy receiving an AOM for services to animals

• Tanja dropping in with a box of organic vegetables - and the brief conversation we had, was enlightening - and has inspired me to talk to my body, cells etc. with love and healing energy.

• Slow walks with Cedar, listening to nature sounds, looking at the way light lands - dappled, winter sunlight on my face.

• Organic, dried figs from the wholefood shop - Delicious present from Justine.

• Snuggles with Cedar.

• Watching this interview with David Hockney : Another View of the World

• Watching Art with Em’s Sketchbook Tour

Support via Donation:

If you would like to support my Cancer Healing journey with a one off, small donation, you can do so HERE or at ko-fi.com/samashleyart

Until next time,

Hug the people you love, Celebrate the good things in your life, Exercise and make the art that makes you happy.

All my love,

Other places you can find me:

Instagram

YouTube

Pinterest

Day 162: (Monday 1.06.26) : 1st Frost

First frost of the year, albeit a light and belated one.

Poor Cedar is not well today. Its very unlike her to not want to eat her breakfast, but today she wasn’t interested. So hard to know what’s wrong with her. She’s just hiding in her little dog house in the sun.

Warm up Movement

Oh damn. Bleeding and pain again. Why!? Wish it would go away.

Lucky I have a Dr. Laura appointment tomorrow.

(I wonder if Cedar is trying to tell me something?)

And to top it all off, I have a major water leak somewhere. My water bill was (& has been for many past bills too) astronomical compared to neighbours and friends who all have many more people in their houses. I didn’t realise how high mine was until I started talking to people. Will monitor my water meter, take photos and then call the plumber.

I also have a toilet leak (not related to high water bill as this is a new leak), and I ran out of gas.

(wondering if my personal energy is affecting the energy of my environment??)

Day 163: (Tuesday 2.06.26) : New tracks

Started my cosy, rainy morning in the studio with a gentle Yoga practice that reminded me how important gentle, slow movement is for allowing us to love our bodies, no matter what is going on inside them.

Also, last night I was reading a book on energy healing that my friend Julie sent me.

This concept of energy healing, quantum physics and learning about our innate healing abilities is very appealing to me. I want to know more.

Notification from MyDHR (Canberra medical system) - HER2 ICH Lab tests on my tumors came back Negative. Meaning the tumour has an immunohistochemistry (IHC) score of 0 or 1+.

So another test where my cancer is unlikely to respond to traditional HER-2 targeted therapies (such as trastuzumab).

Is there literally nothing that Western medicine can do?

It seems everything is pointing me towards alternative healing modalities (but don’t worry, I’m not leaving Western medicine - they may come up with something soon - I hope).

Dr. Laura 11.15am. It is always lovely to see Laura. I took a urine sample in as my lower abdomen pain is not getting better and and I think I may have an infection. The sample shows infection & blood so its being sent off for more testing, I have a script for antibiotics and a script for topical estrogen cream.

I am very nervous about using the estrogen cream, having estrogen and progesterone positive ovarian cancer - BUT it is meant to be safe enough, as its not systemic - and honestly, women without hormones are at risk of so many other things (including UTI’s and a lot of pain).

I found this helpful Youtube; ‘The Truth about Vaginal hormones: Why Women Deserve Better Health Care” by , interesting and informative. And YES - women DO deserve better health care! I could not agree more.

Reading the results of my tumour testing is just too depressing. Laura and I decided not to read it anymore, to let the oncologists deal with it. Its too much.

On our way home from seeing Laura, Cedar and I explored some new bush tracks. Amazing! So many more to explore. I was concerned I might get lost, with no-one knowing where I am, but will definitely return on a day where I have more time to explore.

Day 164: (Wednesday 3.06.26) : Walk & Think

Morning bushwalk with cedar.

Afternoon Yoga with Brett, and then Yoga with Charlie (had to modify a LOT).

Afternoon bushwalk.

I had a lot to think about today.

Day 165: (Thursday 4.06.26) : Antibiotics again.

What happens to the day?

Playing in Procreate and Canva - uploading photos of my paintings and seeing what I can do. I love playing in the digital creative realm!

Test results came back from the Doctors and its not a UTI, but cells show inflammation. Back on antibiotics. My poor gut microbiome isn’t standing a chance these days. It worries me.

Day 166: (Friday 5.06.26) : Speak Up. Speak Loud.

Slept in - mostly because my midnight waking hours seem to be increasing. Going to find healing, meditation podcasts to listen to on my phone (without Youtube ads).

My joints are stiff and really, really sore. Especially my right elbow, wrists, fingers and thumb joint. Yesterday when Mum came to visit, she noticed that my hands / fingers were swollen. I suppose I’d gotten used to it, almost. I cant lift the kettle in the morning. I cant pick up my cup of coffee with my right hand. I cant put weight on my wrists (no down dog /yoga etc. in the mornings). My back is sore. I have to move slow. Ouch.

I hate taking Bevacizumab. I feel like its turned me into a 100 year old woman. That, and not having any estrogen is a slight version of hell, I would say.

I also have painful gums, headaches, sore feet (neuropathy persists, but the nerve pain affects other foot issues). My tongue is a strange colour and my fingers were blue last night but I wasn’t cold.

And then of course the pain and bleeding etc. in my vaginal area. Yes, I used that word. Shouldn’t we all be using that word more!? Indeed we should! This is part of the problem. Women need to speak up - loudly - about their vaginal, uterine, menopausal, etc. health. If we don’t, it wont just be me who is unable to access a cure for my Ovarian Cancer. It might be you, or your daughter, or your sister, mother, aunty, cousin. Speak Up. Speak loud! Advocate for us all!

and its not just Ovarian Cancer we need to talk about - its Menopause. It’s everything.

Speaking Up Saves Lives!

Day 167: (Saturday 6.06.26) : Walk & Talk

Delightful walk and talk with my sister from another lifetime, Donna. Donna and I shared a room for a little while when I was a teenager - we were trying to remember exactly when it was - most likely in between finishing Year 12 and starting Uni. So good to spend time with her.

By the afternoon though, I was exhausted. I didn’t realise how little energy I have available, or how much I need to conserve it - or how I have to plan around the afternoon crash. I felt pretty great in the morning, gripping headache and exhaustion in the afternoon. I realised, there is no way I could go back to work yet (I have been wondering if I could and when I could - I guess, not yet).

Day 168: (Sunday 7.06.26) : Slow. Falling behind.

Oh my goodness, I feel so behind in everything, (my own expectations mainly). I’m not sure I can keep up, or rather, catch up, with the Diary of Delight posts. Maybe I will just stop.

Its 8am and I’m still waking up. Unusual for me, who is usually up before 5am.

I’m waking every night, in the middle of the night and find it hard to go back to sleep (pain, active mind, too hot, etc.).

I do however, love the silence of night.

I read (having to wear glasses and it being winter can be annoying).

I listen to insight timer on my phone (Ally Boothroyd is my favourite teacher, along with Jason Stephenson).

And I make sure Cedar has a warm blanket over her.

Anyway - its a beautiful day. Time to get my dog walking clothes on and go stretch while Cedar sniffs.

Enjoy your week my friends.

Diary of Delight Companion Post for Week 30: (Coming One day - perhaps?)

(This post may be updated to include the link soon. Please check back later 🙏🏻)

This Cancer Chronicle post has a creative companion; ‘The Diary of Delight, Week 30” . The Diary of Delight is a sketchbook practice that helps me focus on the positive, look for the light and love and draw the joy.

Moments of Joy & Beauty noticed & experienced this week:

• Yoga with Adriene - she always reminds me to love my body. Beautifully nourishing.

• Listening to / watching this Snowy Owl painting session replay with and - two beautiful, creative, souls whom I have really been noticing lately.

• This Spirit Guide Meditation by Jason Stephenson.

• ’ s Patreon

• Listening to Julia Gillard’s speech on Misogyny and learning how it changed the meaning of the word, and history. This speech, considered a mistake by Australian journalists, is now taught and repeated worldwide.

• Good friends.

• Discovering new bush tracks to walk with Cedar - less than 5 km from home.

• The silence of night.

• Morning light in the studio.

• Being alive.

Support via Donation:

If you would like to support my Cancer Healing journey with a one off, small donation, you can do so HERE or at ko-fi.com/samashleyart

Until next time,

Hug the people you love, Celebrate the good things in your life, Exercise and make the art that makes you happy.

All my love,

Other places you can find me:

Instagram

YouTube

Pinterest

Day 155: (Monday 25.05.26) : Studio rearrangement

Morning Yoga

Nurse Bronwyn 9.15am (script for cream to help ease Psoriasis on the palms of my hands). Reviewed Fridays appointment.

Rearranging the Studio for more fun painting - shifting the energy! I now have lots of floor space so I can spread out and paint big or multiples. Also have a great Yoga space.

Zonked by the afternoon though and ate chocolate! Yikes!

Day 156: (Tuesday 26.05.26) : Oncologist appointment and Unexpected Bevacizumab ‘treatment’

In my dream I was dreaming and I could touch the stars. I was aware I was dreaming. I wanted to hold that magic space, but I think Cedar woke me up.

Bushwalk with Cedar. Morning Yoga

A rainy, cosy morning in the studio with Cedar, fire going and cooking lentil soup with veges & quinoa for breakfast.

Dr. Mahmood 1.20pm

Was not expecting to have treatment today but there you go. AND - I drove myself home!

I can definitely see the value of having an automatic car now (never could see that before). My ‘needle’ arm is so sore! - also have a big headache and feel awful in my belly.

Day 157: (Wednesday 27.05.26) : Light Ahead.

Big headache and felt like someone was pushing on my chest all night. Not a great sleep but woke up feeling averagely alright.

Walked Cedar.

Found one of my long hairs in a painting trolley. It measured 51cm in length.

Day 158: (Thursday 28.05.26) : Nature Heals.

Cant get enough of being outside in nature!

Me - watching a Lyrebird in full display and trying to record the beautiful bird song mimicry. Cedar - unimpressed I’m not walking anymore (and jealous I’d say):

And now the Lyrebird (in between Cedar barks and car noises):

p.s. I really don’t like Bevacizumab.

Day 159: (Friday 29.05.26) : Cuppa

Walked with Cedar and then went to Wendy and Jim’s for a cuppa. They leave for their 3 month trip away in the morning and both Cedar and I will miss them very much.

(Not really in the mood for writing much this week so I’m going to keep it brief).

Day 160: (Saturday 30.05.26) : Zoom Drawing with Friends

Walked the track with Cedar - fitness / cardio is taking a while to return, but slow progress each day. Some days very slow.

The 5th and final (?) practice zoom Drawing Joy session - am I ready to go public yet? And how often? No matter how many times I practice, there’s a new thing to adapt to / learn or change each time.

The only way to do it is to just do it! Let go of the outcome, let go of the idea that something has to be a certain way, or look good, or whatever - just do it anyway.

Today was fun. I love my friends. Thankyou Julie, Jane and Luke, for drawing with me today. You’ve made me really happy.

My dear friend Ellen came over after the zoom and we went for a little afternoon walk with Cedar.

It was a beautiful day, in great company - that is joy!

Day 161: (Sunday 31.05.26) : Pyjama Day

Staying in my warm, cosy Pyjamas as long as I can today. Who doesn’t love being in their PJ’s all day?

Enjoy your week good people. xxx

Diary of Delight Companion Post for Week 29: (Coming One day)

(This post will be updated to include the link soon. Please check back later 🙏🏻)

This Cancer Chronicle post has a creative companion; ‘The Diary of Delight, Week 29” . The Diary of Delight is a sketchbook practice that helps me focus on the positive, look for the light and love and draw the joy.

Moments of Joy & Beauty noticed & experienced this week:

• Watching this lecture by Artist Susan Lichtman - what incredible work. Reminds me a little of Zoey Frank. I love both of them!

• Lyre bird calls in the morning - walking through the bush in gentle rain.

• Fire going in the studio while its raining outside - cosy as!

• This looks FUN! How I explore Colour in my colour play sketchbook - Lynsay Green Art

• Discovering Hannah Steeles paintings and her Youtube channel - inspiring, both her painting process / style and her level of fitness.

• Lyrebirds, Yellow tail black cockatoos, Sea Eagles, Eastern Yellow Robin, Whip Birds, Bellbirds - all birds in close proximity on my morning walk.

• Being outside in nature.

• Wendy’s colourful soup.

• Julie M’s book arriving in the post.

• Walking with Elle Belle.

• Drawing with friends on Zoom.

• Letting go of the expectation that my Zoom paintings have to look good and just enjoying the play of paint.

• Listening to Cedar breathing and the ocean in the middle of the night. Peace.

Support via Donation:

If you would like to support my Cancer Healing journey with a one off, small donation, you can do so HERE or at ko-fi.com/samashleyart

Until next time,

Hug the people you love, Celebrate the good things in your life, Exercise and make the art that makes you happy.

All my love,

Other places you can find me:

Instagram

YouTube

Pinterest

Day 148: (Monday 18.05.26) : Blood Test

Dropped Cedar off at Wendy and Jim’s at 7.30 to beat the crowd in at pathology.

Starting slow with strength exercises for the Spine and Back.

Cedar’s appointment at Coastal Grooming gave me a few hours alone in Merimbula. I went to the op shop and then for a walk. I unexpectedly met my friend Mark (whose surname is Friend) on the back track, and we discussed painting, poetry, writing and healing. It was inspiring and nourishing. We hadn’t hung out in ages and I’ve really missed his creativity.

Day 149: (Tuesday 19.05.26) : Doctors

Gentle rain most of the night. Took Cedar to Wendy and Jim’s so I could walk the track solo (great for fitness and creative thinking). Came home and did 20 minutes of strength with Brick House Bones

Had an appointment with Dr. Laura this morning - it was so lovely to see her. After big hugs, we discussed some of the cancer stuff - you know, stuff I’d much prefer to ignore, but really - I guess I cant.

I just want to do fun, creative things and go for walks in nature.

Honestly, I truly want to make this cancer disappear with positive thinking and manifesting.

My ultrasound results were good, no free fluid in the abdomen which is excellent news (no ascites / cancer fluid, that could be seen) and nothing indicating why I was bleeding. Blood test results were good too (I think white blood cells were low? or neutrophils?)

Chatting with Jim about painting and sketching - we are both trying to loosen up. Jim draws almost every day - beautiful line and marker architecture.

Spent the afternoon catching up on painting the Diary of Delight (I am weeks behind), and the way I am painting it is the opposite of loosening up. It takes SO LONG. I am also not enjoying it as much as I want to be, because I feel pressured (putting pressure on myself) to try and catch up. How ridiculous.

I think the Diary of Delight needs to go rogue. Except the sketchbook is looking beautiful so far and would make a lovely book when finished.

Day 150: (Wednesday 20.05.26) : A day to think. and Paint.

Walked by myself this morning while Cedar was at Wendy’s, my chest and diaphragm seem to be getting a lot better - Yay!

Day 151: (Thursday 21.05.26) : Bevacizumab Cancelled

Beautiful, meandering bushwalk with Cedar in the morning - we found a new track!

I had finally psyched myself up and accepted the fact that I had to have another Bevacizumab infusion, only to get there, start having all the checks - & then be told; ‘Bev’s on hold today, you wont be having treatment’. This is due to the bleeding I have been having. The nurses chased up the ultrasound I had last week, which unbeknownst to me, also suggested I have a CT scan to check for partial obstruction in my small bowel.

This freaked me out! A bowel obstruction - what does that mean? The cancer has grown and is pushing on my bowel? Will I have to have surgery again? Do I have to go to that awful Canberra hospital again?

It would explain the pain in my abdomen and the bleeding.

Had to have another CT scan - totally lost count now.

I hardly slept.

Emotional roller coaster and a big slap in the face wake up call!

Day 152: (Friday 22.05.26) : Tele Health Appt.

9am Dr Katherine Francis - Gynaecology medical oncology at the royal hospital for women in Randwick, Sydney.

CT scan shows overall good news - no bowel obstruction or inflammation, no visceral metastases, no free fluid, no overt pelvic mass and no destructive bone lesions.

It also said; No nodularity is definitely defined acknowledging low sensitivity (meaning the CT scans often miss / don’t always detect, small soft tissue tumors).

The other things it said were:

Basal atelectasis (partial collapse of lower lung) - meaning I have to practice more Yogic / deep breathing exercises.

Slightly prominent left para-aortic lymph nodes. Does this mean I have an infection somewhere or does this mean cancer has spread into the lymph?

It had made me aware of a few things -

I have to be constantly vigilant of what is going on in my body. Notice everything.

I also have to focus more on my overall health and wellbeing - in particular physical movement, nutrition, stress reduction etc.

Day 153: (Saturday 23.05.26) : Wellbeing Planning

Short bushwalk with Cedar.

Morning Yoga

Somehow the day went too fast again. Spent the morning planning wellbeing stuff / searching for Youtube videos for Strength, Cardio, Yoga, Meditation & Breathing exercises that I like / could do (choose from) each day. I’m linking them in a document so I don’t waste time each day looking for what I feel like doing that is also appropriate.

Cedar at Wendy and Jim’s while I go for a solo bushwalk up and down some hills to get my lungs open.

Walking and thinking about Wellbeing:

hahaha - just realised I’ve had my top on backwards all day!

Day 154: (Sunday 24.05.26) : Rain. Yoga. Bushwalk. Paint.

Slow Flow Yoga for Balance - Brett Larkin. I thoroughly enjoyed this practice, early in the morning, raining, Cedar asleep under a blanket with her tongue out.

Yoga is such a gentle way to connect you with your body and breath. It sets you up for the day, in that - now I will have more awareness of my body (posture, breath, balance etc) for the whole day.

I had to adjust several postures - to protect my spine (i.e. no rounding when you have low bone density), and also where my scar is on my abdomen is still sore, so took care with chaturanga. Yoga teacher training has definitely paid off!

Have a Joyful and healthy week 🌞

(ha - JAH, shortened Hebrew name for God. Joyful And Healthy)

Diary of Delight Companion Post for Week 28: (Coming Soon)

(This post will be updated to include the link soon. Please check back later 🙏🏻)

This Cancer Chronicle post has a creative companion; ‘The Diary of Delight, Week 28” . The Diary of Delight is a sketchbook practice that helps me focus on the positive, look for the light and love and draw the joy.

Moments of Joy & Beauty noticed & experienced this week:

• Listening to the ocean

• Snuggling Cedar

• Your Life Matters - Petrea King.

• Finding a new track to walk.

• Being in nature - as much as i can.

• Loving ’s Patreon - mostly listening to the drawing replays as creative company in the studio, but also really loving her life drawing sessions and the teaching instruction.

• Loved listening to Podcast Episode 250 of Art Wank with Sally Lee Anderson. So excited to find a new artist that inspires me. I love how she is combining genres - still life, landscape etc. Her work makes me think of Imants Tillers and Brett Whiteley (studio) - both of whom I also love.

• Listening to the Birds in the bush

• Deep breathing as I relax in nature

• Wendy, showing me a poem written by her mother (grandmother?) about the Rainbow Fairies.

• Wendy and Nurse Bronwyn coming to my house to attend my tele health appointment with the Oncologist.

• Rediscovering the power of Yoga.

Support via Donation:

If you would like to support my Cancer Healing journey with a one off, small donation, you can do so HERE or at ko-fi.com/samashleyart

Until next time,

Hug the people you love, Celebrate the good things in your life, Exercise and make the art that makes you happy.

All my love,

Other places you can find me:

Instagram

YouTube

Pinterest

Day 141: (Monday 11.05.26) : Belly pain and bleeding

I can’t believe it has been 27 weeks since I started Cancer treatment. It’s been a longer journey than 27 weeks, as I was initially told I had Cancer on the 22nd Sept. 2025, and diagnosed with aggressive, advanced Ovarian on 20th Oct. 2026. (Chemo started on the 11th Nov. 2025 / this is when I begun week 1 of The Cancer Chronicles).

Yesterday, and all last night I had pain in my abdomen, in between my belly button and where my appendix used to be. I couldn’t lie on my right side without it hurting. Unfortunately, I also had bleeding again. This is the 3rd, or 4th (?) time I’ve had bleeding in the last few weeks. Is it from the Bevacizumab? Bowel? Surgery not healed properly yet? (surely, I’m healed? - surgery was in week 15!).

Thankfully I had an appointment with Nurse Bronwyn this morning, who, not only brought me a bag of home grown, organic veges, ordered an urgent ultrasound of my abdomen and pelvis.

Can you believe that even though the ultrasound was marked ‘Urgent’, the earliest appointment I could get at Bega hospital was the 23rd of July?

Of course I spent most of my afternoon trying to get an appointment elsewhere and finally got one for tomorrow with Sapphire Coast Ultrasound.

In between Medical appointments and phone calls, my dear school friend Justine and I finally got to catch up and go for a walk. Justine has had her own horrific cancer journey and we share a lot of the same intense experiences. It helps when someone understands from experience the things you cant even explain to others. To be able to speak freely, and have someone truly know what you mean.

No painting got done today. No yoga. No meditation. The frustration builds.

Fell into bed exhausted with annoying (and a bit scary) pain in my abdomen.

Day 142: (Tuesday 12.05.26) : Ultrasound. Fear took over.

Didn’t have the greatest sleep. I think I was too nervous about what could be happening inside my belly. Of all mornings to not be able to drink coffee!

Had my ultrasound in Merimbula at 10.20, Mark came with me to look after Cedar, then went home and rested.

One of my most down days. Lost my sense of hope. Exhausted.

Went to bed about 2pm in the afternoon, slept, watched TV, slept. Had dinner. Slept.

Day 143: (Wednesday 13.05.26) : Cancer will not define me.

Night sweats - had to change Pyjamas 4 times, but woke up feeling like a different person to yesterday. No bleeding and very little pain.

Making the most of this!

I will not let cancer define define me like it did yesterday!

Morning bush walk with cedar - smells amazing after rain.

My dear friend Robin, who I met on the bush walking track, came to visit with beautiful Hand made Merino fingerless gloves and a beanie for me. They are like second skin. I love them. Thankyou Robin🙏🏻

Unrecorded Zoom Art session with Julie and Becc.

Day 144: (Thursday 14.05.26) : Conundrum

Had pain in my belly again last night - I was so disappointed as I was truly thinking it could have all been stress related (trying to please everyone else’s expectations of answering phone calls, receiving unexpected visitors, wishing they wouldn’t just drop in unannounced, replying to messages, etc. and then feeling horribly guilty and angry at myself for what I am feeling. It feels wrong and disrespectful. I feel stuck in a conundrum).

Haven’t heard any news from my ultrasound yet. Hoping that no news is good news.

Not a great sleep but had a few hours of fun learning more about Substack - created a drop down menu for the Zoom Drawing Sessions and added a footer to my home page. I really do enjoy technology when I’m not feeling pressured.

Day 145: (Friday 15.05.26) : Happy FriYay.

Made some ‘Do not disturb / please text before visiting’ signs for my front gate, walked in the bush with Cedar in the morning and afternoon, planned a sketchbook spread, experimented with gesso and ink to get a vintage book cover look (fun experimenting), answered lots of messages and some phone calls, and generally tried to ignore all the other stuff (apart from bone ache, tummy weirdness and the itchiest skin ever!).

Day 146: (Saturday 16.05.26) : Socialising online

I can do this - socialise online, especially if its a Zoom Drawing Session, or a Studio Session - or we get to hang out in the Studio Lounge on Discord.

This is the main way I want to socialise (this, and walking in nature with friends).

We get to draw together and chat, or we get to move our bodies and be nurtured by nature.

(You don’t have to be an artist to draw. Your drawings don’t have to look good. Its about having fun and connecting)

Much more fun than sitting, drinking tea and talking about cancer - don’t you think?

Also - I just cant fit everyone in that wants to come and visit. I’m sorry friends - I don’t have the emotional capacity, energy, or time right now. Healing comes first and creativity is a huge part of that for me.

For the last month or so, I’ve been practicing 2 types of Zoom sessions with a few close friends, to iron out tech issues and logistics - to see if I can show up - even after treatment, or when I haven’t slept, or I’m feeling freaked out. I waver. Some days I think I cant do it, most days I think I can.

I’m going to give it a try anyway - hopefully will go public in a couple of weeks and be able to offer Zoom drawing sessions to everyone subscribed to The Studio Diaries. I may not be able to show up all the time, but I’ll give it a go!

Hope to draw with you soon.

Day 147: (Sunday 17.05.26) : Sleep and the new world

I finally had a four hour block of uninterrupted sleep! - 2 of them even!! The world is new again and I can do anything!

All blessings to you my dear friends.

Thankyou for being here with me, reading this and helping me spread awareness and understanding of Ovarian Cancer - that yes, its as scary as F***, Yes, it changes everything you had planned, and Yes, it hurts a lot - but also - that its more than a diagnosis…. that our lives are more than our illness, and that Cancer doesn’t have to define us.

Cancer will not define me.

I hope your illness, situation, diagnosis or whatever challenge it is that you have - does not define you.

You get to choose what defines you!

Hoorah! Until next week,

x.

Diary of Delight Companion Post for Week 27: (Coming One day when I can catch up)

(This post will be updated to include the link soon. Please check back later 🙏🏻)

This Cancer Chronicle post has a creative companion; ‘The Diary of Delight, Week 27” . The Diary of Delight is a sketchbook practice that helps me focus on the positive, look for the light and love and draw the joy.

Moments of Joy & Beauty noticed & experienced this week:

• I would LOVE to be able to visit Draw Brighton when their new School in Wales is completed its renovations in 2028 - on my bucket list for 2029, the year Dad would have been 100 (and my trip to England).

• Homegrown rocket, tomatoes, silver beat and rhubarb from Nurse Bronwyn. Yum!

• Catching up with my school friend Justine. Having a few laughs about our horrific cancer experiences - I’m sure there’s more laughs to come!

• Sleeping next to Cedar and listening to her breathing.

• My best friend Mark, helping me look after Cedar while I had yet another medical appointment. Mark is the best friend anyone could ever ask for.

• Reading Substack - Joy Parade No.41 while I was drinking my morning coffee. What a treat and great way to wake up. (How gorgeous is Elvis Potato?)

• I am loving listening to Sam Marshall’s Podcast; ‘The Creative Couch’.

• Robin’s gloves - I never want to take them off!

• Hanging out on Zoom and making art and talking with my beautiful friends Becc and Julie.

• Playing around in the Substack backend.

• Sketching (scribbling) in the car after our afternoon bush walk.

• Playing with Gesso and acrylic ink

• The sweet smell of wattle flowering

• Seeing a photo of my desk at school / work - and everything looks like I was just there yesterday instead of 24 teaching weeks ago.

• Afternoon bush walks in the autumn light.

• Hanging out in Discord with Becc and Mark (just like Zoom only not recorded)

Support via Donation:

If you would like to support my Cancer Healing journey with a one off, small donation, you can do so HERE or at ko-fi.com/samashleyart

Until next time,

Hug the people you love, Celebrate the good things in your life, Exercise and make the art that makes you happy.

All my love,

Other places you can find me:

Instagram

YouTube

Pinterest

Day 134: (Monday 4.05.26) : Strength & Wellbeing

I woke up to the sound of ocean waves and frogs. We had some light rain last night after a long time being dry.

Walked the track with Cedar - smells GREAT! and then did my first strength training YT in ages - with Dr. Lisa Moore of Brick House Bones. I forgot how good it feels! (Except where the big scar is on my abdomen, that doesn’t feel great, need to be careful and go gently here). So proud of myself!

Nurse Bronwyn at 10 am - we started to write a list of questions to ask Dr. Katherine on the tele health call. One of the main things I have concerns about is my bone density and how is Bevacizumab affecting that?

This afternoon I took Cedar to Merimbula, to Coastal Grooming to get her teeth cleaned. I finally went into a shop other than the petrol shop! It was rather exciting (its only been about 7 months!).

Day 135: (Tuesday 5.05.26) : Presence is Peace

Walked the bush track but was on the phone the whole time with a long overdue catch up. Great conversation, but wasn’t present with Cedar or the trees. I need this presence in nature - its a huge part of my healing. Note to self - No more talking on phones while in the bush!

Put my phone on silent ALL DAY, so I could get things done.

Did I get things done? Not as much as I would like as my wrist and thumb are so sore from being on my computer so much in the last few weeks.

Day 136: (Wednesday 6.05.26) : Bournda Be Wild Baby!

I have decided to postpone all Zoom Drawing Sessions for a few weeks. I am finding myself getting stressed and not feeling the joy with my painting (even with them being practice sessions with close friends). I somehow created a 7 day a week job for myself, which has quietly, behind the scenes, turned what is meant to be relaxing and healing, into a bit of slight, and constant panic. Not good for my immune system.

I am going to try and catch up on a few weeks of painting the Diary of Delight entries, and reassess how I can make it more manageable - perhaps that means only 2 Zoom Drawing sessions & 2 Studio Sessions a month? Or less?

I also need to focus more on my health - the meditation, movement and nutrition side of things, as this has been taking more of a backseat than I need it to.

Speaking of which, I have been so nauseous today - I woke up with a horrible taste in my mouth and have been feeling very ill all day. What a shame as Wendy and Jim had Cedar and I had the opportunity to go and do some exercise before my Podiatrist appointment at 1pm.

I did go to Bournda Island for a walk, it was a gentle, slow walk but wow! what a magnificent place of healing - and only 12 km away from my house!

Day 137: (Thursday 7.05.26) : 1st Fire of the Season

And first day in what seems like AGES that I haven’t had any appointments! Feels like freedom.

I just played with art materials today. Watercolour markers on watercolour ground and clear gesso. Clear gesso is just as good as the more expensive WC Ground..

I also joined Emma Carlisle’s Patreon for a month. is pausing for the month of June, so if you are interested in checking out her Patreon, to see if you would like to be an annual member, you can join in May and you will not be charged for June.

I really like listening to Zoom drawing session replays while I am pottering about in my own studio. I enjoy the arty chats and the like minded company. It also helps keep me creatively inspired - and motivated.

Day 138: (Friday 8.05.26) : WORLD OVARIAN CANCER DAY

Please support all women diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer by donating to Ovarian Cancer Australia.

The World Ovarian Cancer Coalition states that Ovarian Cancer is the most lethal of cancers globally (and it terrifies me - literally, into denial).

Day 139: (Saturday 9.05.26) : Truth

I am coughing a lot. My throat feels like something is stuck in it. My lungs feel strained and sore when I take deep breaths. My diaphragm hurts. My digestion is all over the place - in between constipation and diarrhea. I burp a lot now. Psoriasis on my hands is making things awkward, in particular where its on my palms. It hurts to wash my hands. The skin is starting to split on my fingertips and thumbs. I have a butterfly rash over my nose and cheeks that comes and goes. I am tired all the time. My scars hurt. My insides hurt where I had surgery. I can’t eat big meals. I can’t eat dinner later that 5pm, otherwise its painful and I cant sleep. Food tastes different. Tap water is disgusting. My feet feel numb and tingly. My toes feel like they have frostbite. Stepping on small pieces of gravel is painful. I cant go bare foot anymore. Getting out of bed in the morning takes time for my feet to adjust to the ground.

I have lost so much strength. Muscles - where are they? Chemo took them away. Chemo took so much more than it gave.

Did chemo help at all? My cancer was resistant to it. Why couldn’t they test for that before they gave it to me? I had 6 rounds.

I’ve lost so much faith in the Western medical system - their lack of communication, their ‘standard procedures’ - FFS - we are not ‘standard humans’!

I don’t understand how we can send people to space, build nuclear weapons, have all this technology - and yet - there is not one drug that can help me?!? FFS!

Oh yeah, my hair is gone. My long, thick hair. I wonder if it will grow back thick again? When will it grow?

I get irritated often. I’m cranky. What am I cranky at? Sometimes everything. I try not to be.

The slightest emotional upset is deeply, and painfully, felt in my body.

My entire life has changed.

I no longer have sanctuary at home. My phone constantly reminds me I have cancer. The notification sounds, the messages, the calls. All well intended, become triggers.

I wonder should I be eating dairy? Or tofu? (My oncologist said this was ok, but my cancer is Estrogen and Progesterone positive).

I’m not on HRT anymore.

I have night sweats (that could be from cancer, or is it from post menopause?). I wake often throughout the night. My skin, everywhere, is bone dry, and sore. I miss HRT. It was so good.

What the hell are these drugs doing to my already low / osteoporotic bone density? That’s why I started HRT - to help maintain bone density. Being Coeliac means I often don’t absorb nutrients properly, hence low bone density. “May contain traces of gluten” - may as well say “Poison”.

I don’t know my body anymore. I cant tell what is from the side effects of chemo? What is from the side effects of Bevacizumab? What is just a normal sensation? I question everything and at the same time I ignore most things.

Ignoring and denial is much easier to cope with.

Until the phone rings. Or someone unexpectedly visits.

I’m not interested in sitting around having cups of tea with people talking about cancer. I don’t have time for that! I literally, don’t have time!

I’m not interested in doing things other people want me to do because it is what they want to do, it’s how they want to help me, what they are comfortable with. Do they ask me what I want? Sometimes, yes. But most often, no.

I feel a heavy burden of responsibility to make everyone else feel good and happy - to ease their emotions -but by trying to do this, my own healing is put on the back burner. I have to let this burden go. Other peoples emotions are not my responsibility. This is a very tough lesson for me to learn.

I want to paint. I want to walk in nature. I want to quiet my mind. I want to laugh. I want to move my body. I want to eat organic foods and be healthy.

I want to love Cedar as much as I can and be gentle with her as she is also suffering with me. She cant be left alone anymore. This is probably the one thing I need the most help with - someone to lovingly look after Cedar so I can go to medical appointments, AND - so I can go to the national parks and beaches where I live and walk or paint - do something fun for myself! I feel guilty asking for help for this. But god damn, I need it.

Day 140: (Sunday 10.05.26) : Hope

Hoping today is filled with nature walking, painting joy, meditation, yoga, healthy food and lots of healing.

I also hope you have a beautiful week, full of joy and love.

💗xxx

Diary of Delight Companion Post for Week 26: (Coming Soon)

(This post will be updated to include the link soon. Please check back later 🙏🏻)

This Cancer Chronicle post has a creative companion; ‘The Diary of Delight, Week 26” . The Diary of Delight is a sketchbook practice that helps me focus on the positive, look for the light and love and draw the joy.

Moments of Joy & Beauty noticed & experienced this week:

• Your Body is Designed to Heal itself - a very interesting talk on how we can heal ourselves.

• Reading ’s Joy Parade - so much Joy. I laughed, I danced! Totally recommend!

• Joining Emma Carlisle’s Patreon

• Listening to this Guided Meditation

• Messaging with my friend Kahra and discussing alternate treatment pathways - Naturopath, Somatic Counselling, etc.

Support via Donation:

If you would like to support my Cancer Healing journey with a one off, small donation, you can do so HERE or at ko-fi.com/samashleyart

Until next time,

Hug the people you love, Celebrate the good things in your life, Exercise and make the art that makes you happy.

All my love,

Other places you can find me:

Instagram

YouTube

Pinterest

Day 127: (Monday 27.04.26) : Anzac Day Public Holiday

Walked the track with Cedar. Felt alive, happy, nourished and breathed in by the trees. Stopped half way to talk on the phone for an hour. Cedar is so patient with me, if only I was half the good soul she is. She really does teach me a lot.

MyDHR (Canberra Health) sent me test results which had come from the clinical research trial with Omico / CaSP - which I then forwarded to Nurse Bronwyn, Dr. Laura and Renee, my Teal Nurse because to me, it looked like the results show that there is currently, no other medication, or phase 3 trial that is going to work for me (?!?).

So, my cancer is resistant to chemo and there isn’t anything else that is going to make it go away?

Surely that cant be right?

I will wait and ask Dr. Mahmood on Wednesday as I must be missing something here.

Time to pull out the big guns of meditation, exercise, nutrition, positive thinking and art therapy!!!

I have to believe these are going to work.

I have to believe I can heal this!

I will heal this!

Spent the afternoon sketching and then on my outdoor treadmill (aka lawnmower) - so proud (and a bit amazed) of my “treadmill” efforts.

Its the small things that bring joy.

p.s. sketching was difficult as the rapidly growing Psoriasis on my hands was very painful (and when I say rapidly growing, boy, do I mean rapidly!).

Day 128: (Tuesday 28.04.26) : Bloods & Boulder Bay

Time to write lists; 1. A list of questions for Dr. Mahmood - for my Oncology appointment tomorrow, and 2. A list of current symptoms and weird body things I have.

Early into Bega for pre-treatment blood tests, Cedar at Wendy and Jim’s.

Went for a walk to Boulder Bay, from Kianinny. This used to be one of my favourite walks - short, but steep and a beautiful swim at the end. Oh boy, did it challenge my fitness today. Lots of stopping to breathe.

Day 129: (Wednesday 29.04.26) : Oncology Appt.

Zoom Studio Session 10-11.30am - a practice session with 50 minutes of silent Meditate and Co-create together and 30 minutes of Co-create and Chat together. Thankyou and for being such beautiful humans.

Another beautiful human is Wendy, who came to my appointment with Dr. Mahmood today.

Dr. Mahmood told me there is NO TREATMENT available for me. None. Nothing whatsoever! No treatment that will cure me of this Cancer. Nothing!

How can that be?????????

I am stripped bare.

Nowhere left to hide.

Wondering who I am,

and how will I rise?

I am Sam.

Sam.

I AM.

I will rise.

Day 130: (Thursday 30.04.26) : Bevacizumab

Walking the track solo, before my 11am Bega Oncology Ward ‘treatment’ appointment.

Nurse Rachel was beautiful and kind. I told her the results of my Omico testing and what Dr. Mahmood said to me yesterday and she hugged me and told me there is always hope.

There is always hope.

I cried a lot this morning.

The Bevacizumab only takes half an hour to administer, but we slowed it down to an hour - just in case of reaction. Overall I was in the hospital for a few hours. Jim brought me in and came to pick me up while Wendy looked after Cedar.

I tried to tell my body that this is medicine that is going to keep the cancer at bay, while my own innate healing can build strength and make my body inhospitable to cancer cells - but honestly, that chemo ward is so busy. I kept being interrupted. No chance of meditation or healing in there!

I saw another of my neighbours in Oncology getting his treatment today too. For a very small street, we have a lot of Cancer patients! It does make me wonder - particularly as I have felt odd, ever since I moved here. I have been sick a lot (Ross River fever, Auto Immune diagnosis’, and general unwell feelings). Could be coincidence. Could be my age?

Rachel also told me that Dr. Catherine Francis, from Randwick Royal Women’s Hospital in Sydney (with whom I have a tele health on Friday 22nd May) - used to work here in the Bega Oncology Ward. Dr. Mahmood had referred me to her.

I thought my tele health appointment was in relation to the OMICO comprehensive genomic testing (?), but apparently not.

I wonder if she can help me and does this mean I have to come to Sydney?

Day 131: (Friday 1.05.26) : Procrastination

I woke up feeling ok. Slight headache, but otherwise not too bad.

Cedar and I walked the bush track and met my dear friend Robyn at the crossroads. It was meant to be. We hugged, walked and talked.

Online grocery delivery.

Mum came to visit bringing warm socks for my neuropathy feet.

Lovely voice messages with Becc.

No Art done though. No prep for tomorrows Zoom session. I struggled with wanting to be outside and moving my body instead of sitting down at my art desk or in front of my computer.

Are these zoom sessions and all this blogging actually helping me??

Day 132: (Saturday 2.05.26) : Zoom Art Session

Night sweats, headaches and upper abdomen / chest ache. Woke up feeling drowsy and a bit tender.

I love my morning coffee.

Zoom Drawing Joy session 10 - 11.30am - Practice session 4 of 5. I nearly cancelled this but goodness me, I am glad I didn’t. Friends - you are amazing! Thankyou for turning up, for drawing with me and helping me figure out how I can do this and make it work.

Most of the day at the computer (9am - 3.30pm) - organising tech, editing draft blog posts, editing timelapse art process video, etc. (a zoom session takes a LOT of prep time, both before and after).

I do need to find a way to streamline and make this more sustainable, but honestly, seeing my friends making art together - friends from different times and parts of my life meeting each other - there is nothing as good as this!

Day 133: (Sunday 3.05.26) : Movement, Meditation & Nutrition

My chest / heart area feels very weird and sore, so does my diaphragm area. It worries me. I wonder what the long term effects of Bevacizumab are? How long can I be on it?

(Oh - shouldn’t have googled it perhaps??? It is NOT GOOD for my bone density!! Geez - when will I get a win?).

I really have to look after myself better. Movement and Meditation and Nutrition - all of which need more attention.

So that’s the plan for today - Movement, Meditation and Nutrition.

And Paint!

Have a good week my friends. xxx

Diary of Delight Companion Post for Week 25: (Coming Soon)

(This post will be updated to include the link soon. Please check back later 🙏🏻)

This Cancer Chronicle post has a creative companion; ‘The Diary of Delight, Week 25” . The Diary of Delight is a sketchbook practice that helps me focus on the positive, look for the light and love and draw the joy.

Moments of Joy & Beauty noticed & experienced this week:

• Bushwalking to Boulder Bay on a gorgeous, sunny autumn day.

• Organic dried figs.

• Listening to Petrea King Podcasts - they help me see things in a more positive light.

• Being with beautiful friends on Zoom and making art - it made us all happy.

• Meeting Colleens new puppy, Bella.

• Listening to Caring for ourselves and others with Petrea King.

• God is Alive, Magic is Afoot - buffe Sainte- Marie

• One of my FAVOURITE SONGS EVER!!! - possibly my favourite - Janis Joplin “Me and Bobby McGee”, 1970.

• Seeing Luke and Sophie drawing together in the zoom session, and getting to say Hi to Tonia. Such a beautiful moment. I will never forget. I love you guys!

• Walking through the bush with Robyn, a kindred soul.

• Cedar sleeping through the whole night - and hence, me sleeping through.

• Coffee

Support via Donation:

If you would like to support my Cancer Healing journey with a one off, small donation, you can do so HERE or at ko-fi.com/samashleyart

Until next time,

Hug the people you love, Celebrate the good things in your life, Exercise and make the art that makes you happy.

All my love,

Other places you can find me:

Instagram

YouTube

Pinterest

Day 120: (Monday 20.04.26) : bit of a blur

Nurse Bronwyn appointment.

Cedar at Wendy and Jim’s.

Today went in a blur. I cant remember what happened. I didn’t feel like being on my computer.

Day 121: (Tuesday 21.04.26) : Nature Heals.

Too cranky today. Cranky at everything. Stupid Cancer.

Too many days on the computer. In my head. Need to be in my body. Clumsy. Injuring myself. This is not healthy.

MUST.GET.OUTSIDE. NOW!

Perfect Autumn afternoon for being outside.

Day 122: (Wednesday 22.04.26) : Need healing sleep.

Why cant I sleep more than 5 hours a night?

Diaphragm hurts.

Messy, emotional today.

Day 123: (Thursday 23.04.26) : Slowly savouring the day

Morning ramble.

The butterfly rash is appearing on my cheeks and nose again and my hands are rapidly developing psoriasis. Its only been 2 weeks since my last chemo and my psoriasis has returned again. If these skin cells grow this fast, what are the cancer cells doing?

My diaphragm hurts so much. So does my abdomen - and my lungs. I have headaches.

I’m getting scared.

Day 124: (Friday 24.04.26) : Autumn light, Painting

I slept much better last night - back in my queen bed, where I can stretch my legs and move around. Also, my mattress is close to the floor so its easy to stretch my arm out and make sure the blanket is still on Cedar. We are both happier with this arrangement.

Determined to paint today - no matter what my body is feeling.

Setting up a still life with Bronwyn’s Guavas and Wendy’s Flowers - with the aim to do a fast, timed painting and film the process from above.

I am feeling much better about doing the Zoom drawing sessions. I CAN do it! Even if I feel sad, or I’m scared, or I look sick, or I’m cranky, or whatever - I really want to try and show up anyway. Who cares if I have a cry? Who cares if I have bruises on my lips, rashes on my face, scaring on my hands, or whatever?

I need a creative focus. I just had a wobbly earlier this week. Its bound to happen. Its going to happen again. Maybe I’ll get better at not freaking out so much?

Day 125: (Saturday 25.04.26) : Bellbirds & Painting

I have a painting plan. I hope I can stick to it.

Walked the track early this morning with Cedar - at Cedars pace, slow, sniffing and stretching. My diaphragm and abdomen are sore, tender, but good sleep has helped. Only woke a few times, read some of Petrea Kings book; ‘Quest for life’ in the middle of the night. Being in a larger bed is so much better.

Trying to catch up with the Diary of Delight painting process. I am way behind.

The bellbirds in the backyard are loud today.

Podcast; Upfront about Breast Cancer - sent to me by my dear friend, Yes, its about breast cancer and not Ovarian - but there are so many related topics worth listening to. I particularly related to this one about Boundary Setting.

Day 126: (Sunday 26.04.26) : Painting and Planning

Planning on painting and planning paintings.

(also planning zoom drawing sessions - yeah baby).

Hooray! I’m back on the wagon!

Enjoy your week good people. x

Diary of Delight Companion Post for Week 24: (Coming sometime in the future - I’m trying to catch up)

(This post will be updated to include the link soon. Please check back later 🙏🏻)

This Cancer Chronicle post has a creative companion; ‘The Diary of Delight, Week 24” . The Diary of Delight is a sketchbook practice that helps me focus on the positive, look for the light and love and draw the joy.

Moments of Joy & Beauty noticed & experienced this week:

• Loving the use of vintage colour palettes, patterns and text in Gabe’s sightstudy illustration

• Dance swagger

• Petrea King Meditation Group on Facebook

• ARK - Acts of Restorative Kindness. I love it! Letting Nature lead | Mary Reynolds | Post Wild

• Quest Connect: “Setting gently boundaries and self care” with Rachael Rogan

• Orla Stevens ‘When you want to paint everything (but can’t capture it all).

• Listening to Karine Polwart on Spotify - thankyou dear cousin Rachel, ( I especially love Daisy).

• Bellbirds

• Deep, meaningful, heartful connections with beautiful friends - Verity, Donna, Kirsty, Kellie, Becc, Julie and Mark.

• Sleeping in a big bed - low to the ground and close to Cedar.

• Sundays - always Sundays. x

Support via Donation:

If you would like to support my Cancer Healing journey with a one off, small donation, you can do so HERE or at ko-fi.com/samashleyart

Until next time,

Hug the people you love, Celebrate the good things in your life, Exercise and make the art that makes you happy.

All my love,

Other places you can find me:

Instagram

YouTube

Pinterest

Day 113: (Monday 13.04.26) : 8 weeks since surgery

I always treasure starting the week with an appointment with my beautiful Tathra care team. Nurse Bronwyn brought me in a huge bag of organic tomatoes, rocket and rhubarb from her garden.

Today I finally had the courage to start the conversation around death. I want to know what could happen. Is it going to hurt? Can I stay in my own home? What do I have to do to prepare?

I think these things are good for us to know and do. (Of course I don’t want to know, or do - geez - give me denial land / art making escapism please. NOW).

I’ve been reflecting back on something that happened in the chemo ward, last Thursday. I was (unexpectedly) introduced to another woman who had Ovarian Cancer. She was told that ‘today (Thursday) was my last chemo treatment’. I saw the look of hope and joy on her face. She thought I had been healed. I could see it.

What went through my brain was - ‘oh my god, what is this woman going to think, when she sees me back here every 3 weeks? What will I say to her then? How will she feel when her hope will be questioned?’

My immediate response was; “Yes, but the chemo hasn’t worked. I still have Cancer”.

The look of horror on the nurses faces said it all, and later, I was told, firmly, that ‘we keep things positive in here’.

I apologised, but overall felt belittled and brushed off.

What about my cancer journey? My truth? My Reality?

Whilst I absolutely agree with positivity - 100%, I also believe in truth, and knowledge is power.

If we know, what could happen, is likely to happen, we can at least try and prepare ourselves for it as best we can (physically, emotionally, mentally, etc.).

Don’t you think?

(ok yes, I must complete my advanced care plan).

Also, p.s. Maybe a heads up that they are going to introduce me to someone with OC, and they want me to keep it positive, next time, that could be very helpful . . . and I will abide.

Anyway - after my appointment with Nurse Bronwyn today, I went down to Kianinny and had the best hugs ever from my beautiful friend Rose’s son, Jordan. I cant believe he is a man now. Where did that 26 years go? He grew into a sensitive, thoughtful, kind and caring human.

Brings tears to my eyes. So, so beautiful.

Day 114: (Tuesday 14.04.26) : Walk and Art

Delicious breakfast of stewed rhubarb, grated apple, walnuts, yoghurt, blueberries and of course protein powder, inulin and psyllium husks.

Even more determined to get my digestive system strong again.

Walked the track - very slowly and took a few hours - with a reluctant Cedar. Making myself move. My feet feel like they have frost bite - painful and hard to move properly. My chest hurts. A lot.

Met Allan, Dini’s husband on the track. They have been wondering how I am and have been looking out for me.

I love these walking / bike tracks, for so many reasons. I have met the most beautiful friends here. I love our community.

I’ve been really thinking a lot about things since my talk with Nurse Bronwyn yesterday. Admittedly, I’m a bit freaked out about the future. Its best not to think about it sometimes. And so I immerse my head in the art / tech / planning stuff. Its a much nicer place to be.

I do need to prioritise my time now.

Brainstorming my Non- Negotiables:

1. Exercise in the morning and afternoon (walk, stretch - MOVE).

2. Eat mindfully. Slowly. Not in front of screen.

3. Drink 2-4L H2o/day (depending on where I am in treatment cycle).

4. 1-2 hours (minimum) of Art daily. Uninterrupted. Phone on silent.

5. Early to bed.

Spent the day doing small things - tidying my paints, cleaning palettes. No matter what, the day always goes too fast.

Day 115: (Wednesday 15.04.26) : Love myself more.

Every day I am going to thank my body for what it CAN DO!

I am also going to look in the mirror more and give myself a lot more love. Why not? And why haven’t I done this very much before?

My body has been through the wringer - literally, and yet, its still here baby!

Different. Scarred. Fragile. But still here.

Woohoo!

How amazing!!!

Day 116: (Thursday 16.04.26) : Research Trial Progress

Yesterday I was contacted by the Clinical Nurse consultant for Gynaecology Medical Oncology Services from the Royal Hospital for Women in Randwick.

I have a telehealth appointment on Friday 22nd of May.

This is in regards to the research trial I gave consent to - with CaSP - a research program screening cancer patients tissue to identify personalised treatments (Omico).

Please God, let there be something that works for me - something to take this Cancer away and help me be a healthy, vibrant, energetic, fit person again.

(also, please God - I know I am asking a lot, but I would really prefer a medicine that has already been through the trial phases. Trials scare me too much). Please and Thankyou. x

Day 117: (Friday 17.04.26) : Pockets of Joy

Celebrating the small pocket explosions of a fart 🤣. Halleluiah! Joy to the world!

Oh my goodness, I thought I was going to have to call the ambulance last night. I was quite terrified. So much intense pain in my transverse colon area. My body was sweating profusely, I felt slightly nauseous and all I could hear was Nurse Bronwyn’s voice telling me to call Emergency if I suspect a bowel blockage.

I kept talking to myself, saying, calm down - get into child’s pose - stretch. Thank god for Yoga Teacher Training. It has prepared me well. 15 minutes later, I was ok and crept back into bed.

It was an eye opener though - and something I now know, that I might need to call the ambulance any time - not just after chemo (and so therefor I will need someone reliable who I can call in the middle of the night to come and get Cedar when Wendy is not here).

Ovarian Cancer, as Bronwyn and I discussed on Monday, can cause bowel blockages; either as a tumour growth pushing against the bowel, or as a tumour growing inside of the bowel.

Yikes, yikes and double yikes.

Really, just Yuck!

I didn’t sleep well but when I got up in the morning, I was ok. My entire digestive system burns, tastes like metal and is very uncomfortable. I have to make sure I eat my dinner early. 4.30pm and no later. Transit time is so slow now and I don’t want that pain again.

So now, each time a small pocket explosion of Joy graces me with its presence, I raise my arms in joyful victory!

Day 118: (Saturday 18.04.26) : Draw Joy

Practicing a Live Zoom Drawing Session with a few beautiful friends who have volunteered to be my practice buddies (& tech support).

Best day ever! Heart is full, enriched, nourished, feeling loved and incredibly happy. I am blessed with gorgeous, deeply sensitive, supportive, kind, generous, amazing friends.

I hope everyone can find this Joy!

Day 119: (Sunday 19.04.26) : Tired so its a tech play day.

Broken sleep, not much of it. Cedar kept me awake. I think she is waking up and not knowing where she is. Getting confused. Poor Cedar. Not great for either of us.

There is so much cancer stuff I could talk about. I have a lot I should be doing, researching, preparing etc - but for now, I don’t want to. I just want to be creative. Its my healing space. My coping mechanism.

Yesterday was so much fun. I am almost ready to open the Zoom Drawing Sessions up to the public (maybe they can be someone else’s coping mechanism too?).

I thought it was about time to change my Substack wordmark (the title you see at the top of the blog - especially when on desktop) from Sam Ashley Art, to Studio Diaries.

This way, maybe it can be more for other people too? Not just all about my own art and life stuff?

This is where I got to. Its ok. Not perfect, but oh well. It will do for now.

See you next week.

Diary of Delight Companion Post for Week 23: (Coming Soon)

(This post will be updated to include the link soon. Please check back later 🙏🏻)

This Cancer Chronicle post has a creative companion; ‘The Diary of Delight, Week 23” . The Diary of Delight is a sketchbook practice that helps me focus on the positive, look for the light and love and draw the joy.

Moments of Joy & Beauty noticed & experienced this week:

• Started watching Northern Exposure on SBS On Demand. I LOVED this show when I was a teenager - and I still love it (when I can stay awake longer than 5 minutes).

• Watching Art You Tube video’s in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep and I discovered Dear Violet and watched her video Van Gogh Inspired Still Life. I also found and followed her Instagram shelleydhopkins

• Autumn in England feels like time travel : Pride and Prejudice Film Locations

• sent me a very helpful Instagram reel about exercise to help my Neuropathy

• A solo walk through the bush while cedar was happy at Wendy and Jim’s. I felt spacious and lifted.

• Finding bearbellproductions - Surface pattern design inspired by historic styles

• Austin Kleon - Your best ideas don’t come from your brain.

• Zoom drawing with the best women ever!!!

Support via Donation:

If you would like to support my Cancer Healing journey with a one off, small donation, you can do so HERE or at ko-fi.com/samashleyart

Until next time,

Hug the people you love, Celebrate the good things in your life, Exercise and make the art that makes you happy.

All my love,

Other places you can find me:

Instagram

YouTube

Pinterest

Day 106: (Monday 6.04.26) : Beach healing & tech day.

Drove to Tura beach, got petrol on the way there and ended up talking to the woman working there, who is also having chemo. It was so great to connect with her.

I can not believe how many people have cancer! I had no idea it was so prevalent.

Also, this was the furthest I have driven in months (20km)!

Took Cedar for a walk on the Mundooi track and then - First beach walk in AGES! Felt like homecoming.

I met a woman at the beach and we walked and talked together - deep conversations about books we had read, energy, healing, thoughts, beliefs, family patterns and people pleasing. It was so lovely. I felt like I had known her for years.

Drove on to Merimbula to pick up Mark for a tech trouble shoot day - oh boy did we need it. I have this idea for Zoom drawing sessions but Zoom has had so many updates, it wont let me do things I used to be able to.

It is super frustrating. I am unable to screenshare a PPT and see people at the same time, or use a timer and screenshare, or have music and screenshare. Sometimes it lets you and then the next time, it won’t. Zoom seems to have a mind of its own and I wonder if all the tech challenges are really what I need right now! (maybe tomorrow I will try again. Or maybe look into using OBS and Zoom together?).

I felt flat after today. I had been so excited. Finally feeling like I could make a difference, have a focus, have some purpose, help other people. I am on to something and I want this bloody technology to work with me!

Day 107: (Tuesday 7.04.26) : Blood Tests & more Tech.

Cedar went to Wendy and Jim’s while I had my pre chemo bloods taken at the hospital - went in before 8am, expecting to wait a few hours after the long weekend but I was number 4.

Drove home the long way, with a short walk to clear my head at Turingal, in the Bournda National Park.

The rest of the afternoon was trying to figure out tech stuff again, this time sound quality (having old phones and microphones doesn’t help).

I am feeling almost defeated and very frustrated that there are always tech challenges when you want to do things online. Thankfully, I have a very good friend, Mark, who always listens to my frustrations and supports me no matter what I decide to do. Honestly, I don’t know where I’d be without him.

Had pain in my abdomen, as if I had period cramps. It was a little concerning.

Day 108: (Wednesday 8.04.26) : Oncology Appt. & CT Scan

Woke up with blood from my abdomen on my underwear. Still a little pain, but more pain in my right side, where it has been for a while now.

Had my regular, pre chemo Oncology Appointment with Dr. Mahmood and told him about the blood, the pain, and all the other things (cough, digestive tract burn, inflamed cuticles, heart / chest pain, neuropathy, etc.).

He sent me for a CT scan, is not giving me Bevacizumab tomorrow and is reducing the paclitaxel by another 20% (because of the neuropathy).

Its 3.15pm and I am currently waiting for someone to phone me to tell me whether or not I am having chemo tomorrow, or if we have to postpone.

One thing for sure - I wont be taking the steroids until I know for sure chemo is going ahead!

Sometime after 4pm I had the call telling me Dr.Mahmood was happy to go ahead with chemo, so I made dinner and then took the Steroids.

Day 109: (Thursday 9.04.26) : Chemo Round 6

Steroids (had another 3 this morning, plus anti allergy tablet & anti nausea tablet) making me nauseous before chemo even begins. Made myself eat a lot of breakfast, and ate & drank throughout the day.

VERY sore veins, multiple attempts at getting the needles in, lots of bruising and machine stopping. Very long day where I had to keep my left arm completely still - so no walking laps around the ward today.

• Paclitaxel (overall 40% reduction from original dose) - 178mg in a solution of sodium chloride, 425mls - over about 3 or so hours.

• Carboplatin - 540mg in 5% Glucose, 500mls - over about an hour or so (lots of stops and starts with this one. Had to slow down the rate).

• Saline flushes before and after each medication

Couldn’t really use the treadmill in the gym after chemo today because there was no supervisor (even though I did everything according to procedure; had previously sought permission and was told there would be someone there, didn’t enter the gym when I found it empty, sought help after 6 hours of chemo, etc.). I found one of the young male physio’s who wasn’t really listening to what I was saying, just kept repeating ‘you cant be in here without a supervisor, blah, blah blah, and - just go for a walk outside. Obviously, he has no idea what chemo does to the body!!! (or wants to hear or have respect for an older woman - whom he knows nothing about…. disgraceful!).

Time to start a list of all the benefits of why I want to use the treadmill immediately after chemo:

1. Movement helps the chemo get into the deep places where I need it

2. Movement helps counteract side effects of chemo (for me, this is nausea and fatigue after chemo)

3. Neuropathy (pain, numbness etc) in my feet means the smallest of gravel hurts - a treadmill resolves most of this pain. Having numbness means I cant feel when I have injured my toe (which I did the very next day, quite badly too).

4. I want to control my pace and incline.

5. I have handles to hold onto if I need them (and boy, do I ever)

Seriously time to buy myself a good quality home treadmill that has great cushioning (bounce / suspension?) for the feet.

Day 110: (Friday 10.04.26) : Oh hello again Movicol.

Woke early to Cedar telling me its time to get up. It wasn’t! 4am but wide awake so got up and had coffee, drank water, checked emails, paid bills and brought Cedar some liquid collagen for her skin.

The dreaded digestive issues have begun again. Welcome back Movicol, Coloxyl and Senna - we will start with you and then move on to the big guns! I swear the carboplatin (in a solution of glucose) has gluten in it. Nurse Bronwyn and I looked it up last week and the info said something like, even if it does contain gluten, it wont have effects (or something like that). Well, I think it is having effects! I am so bloody sensitive its not funny!

My lovely Teal Support Nurse, Renee sent me some links to information about Clinical Trials: Clinical Trials Resource Hub and Clinical Trials Webinars

Day 111: (Saturday 11.04.26) : Zoom Art Drawing Session Practice

A great day of creative and tech planning focus to keep my head above chemo thinking. Phone on silent and all action on future creative plans.

Long day doing tech and art stuff related to Zoom drawing sessions - Discord updates, writing draft blog posts ready to make public one day soon, editing timelapse video and voice over, etc. and then a lovely practice 90 minute Zoom session with .

Doing a few practice sessions is so helpful - it helps me see if I can really do this (regardless of treatment side affects, etc.). It helps me iron out tech issues (so very many of them) and helps me stay focused on actually having a future I am working towards. Will need a few more practice sessions before I am ready to make these sessions available to everyone, but very much looking forward to that day coming soon.

Purpose in life is gold! We all need a purpose. This is my chosen one, for now.

Interesting link to an article about a Repurposed Drug that may help with Platinum Resistant Ovarian Cancer patients

Day 112: (Sunday 12.04.26) : Rest?

Apparently there’s no rest for the wicked, or so they say.

Awake from 2.30am - Steroids? No HRT?

Esophagus pain returning - still have one steroid to take but an wondering if I skip it so I can sleep (and help my digestive system get back to normal movements).

Anyway, signing off now to either paint or keep prepping tech stuff for Zooms.

Enjoy your week good people.

Diary of Delight Companion Post for Week 22: (Coming Soon - or not so soon, but keep checking)

(This post will be updated to include the link soon. Please check back later 🙏🏻)

This Cancer Chronicle post has a creative companion; ‘The Diary of Delight, Week 22” . The Diary of Delight is a sketchbook practice that helps me focus on the positive, look for the light and love and draw the joy.

Moments of Joy & Beauty noticed & experienced this week:

• Listening to Bethan Burton’s recent mini podcast Episode 196: Teaching to Learn | Journaling with Nature - which is exactly what I have been thinking about the last couple of days.

• Loved Radio Nationals ‘Conversations’ episode with Richard Fidler and Rhoda Roberts; Remembering Cultural Leader and Storyteller Rhoda Roberts. Sadly, Rhoda recently passed away from Ovarian Cancer.

• The word Gravitas - meaning; seriousness, dignity & Respect.

• Absolutely LOVED this podcast on Sounds True with Cody Cook-Parrot on Focus, Addiction & Creative Presence.

• Joined Sketchbook Revival with Karen Abend

• Not giving up on my creative ideas when faced with multiple tech challenges (and 6th round of chemo). So proud of myself!

• Having gorgeous friends helping me with my creative ideas and passion - , and I love you immensely and thankyou forever. You know me well and you know what I value most of all.

• A delight for the earth art loving artist eyes - Writing on Water

Support via Donation:

If you would like to support my Cancer Healing journey with a one off, small donation, you can do so HERE or at ko-fi.com/samashleyart

Until next time,

Hug the people you love, Celebrate the good things in your life, Exercise and make the art that makes you happy.

All my love,

Other places you can find me:

Instagram

YouTube

Pinterest

Day 99: (Monday 30.03.26) : Autumn is my favourite season

Had an appointment with Nurse Bronwyn, in Tathra this morning. It was so good to see her again. I have a few more questions for Dr. Mahmood (oncologist) when I see him next Wednesday (mainly - ‘what are my options’, and ‘are there alternatives’ and ‘how do we know anything is working’ ?)

I seem to have forgotten what else happened today, other than the weather was a perfect, sunny Autumn day.

Day 100: (Tuesday 31.03.26) : 100 Days since starting Chemo

Took Cedar to the Vet to get her ears and teeth checked. She has a yeast overgrowth in her right ear and so $215 later, we have ear drops. The teeth cleaning will have to happen later, after my next round of chemo sometime.

Had a fairly productive day - Hooray! Had top stop and stretch out my abdomen a lot, hold my side even more, breathe through the pain and just keep going, more often than not - but I did stuff!

I brought a wheelbarrow of firewood up to the studio, scared a snake away (ok, it scared me away first), and mowed around one of the garden beds. My heart was beating so fast (not just from the snake). Chemo really does a number on the body! It was an effort, that’s for sure, but gee wizz…. it felt fantastic. I still have muscles - Yay! They need some work, but they’re still there!!

Small feats. What’s that moon landing quote?? ‘One small step …. one giant leap….’ Yep. That’s what it felt like to me.

Best part of today - I painted from life. Set the timer for 30 minutes.

I also filmed the process, which is a whole other thing to get used to. I will do a time lapse and voice over and add it to the Diary of Delight, wk 21 (gosh, I am so behind in doing these - probably I need to change my focus)

Hopeful new drug combination - Relacorilant - Lifyorli - in combination with nab-paclitaxel chemotherapy is now approved in the US … could this be helpful to me?

Day 101: (Wednesday 1.04.26) : Phone call catch ups

Woke up very early (4.30am) to ensure I was ready for my online grocery delivery, which didn’t arrive until 7am so I enjoyed reading Substack posts, watching some Youtube videos and checking out a few Instagram feeds (all art related of course).

Walked Cedar a little way down the road as I was nervous about the pain in my side and going too far from home.

A day of phone calls, catching up with friends and also having a wonderful chat with Uta, a beautiful new friend and nurse supervising the Exercise program for Cancer patients at Pambula Hospital.

I was frustrated with myself for not painting today.

Sadly, the pain in my right side returned with fury again a little while after dinner.

Day 102: (Thursday 2.04.26) : Movement is Medicine!

Not much sleep as intense, shooting pain in my side kept me awake for most of the night - no amount of stretching made it go away. I just had to bear with it.

Getting up and going about my usual morning routine, the pain started to lessen and I had to get back to the track.

Cedar and I walked the track! HOORAY!!!! It was difficult at first but I kept walking and the more I walked, the less it hurt! Movement really is Medicine.

Day 103: (Friday 3.04.26) : Thinking Creatively

Planning Zoom drawing sessions all day. I LOVE the feeling of being creative and being immersed (obsessed?) in possibility.

Day 104: (Saturday 4.04.26) : Zoom Drawing Session

So much fun today!!!

I would 100% prefer to focus on art than on cancer stuff!

Best medicine ever!

Day 105: (Sunday 5.04.26) : Daylight Savings Ends

Clocks in NSW, Australia go back 1 hour.

Possibly my favourite day of the entire year- an extra hour in the day!

Spent the morning going down rabbit holes (albeit interesting ones), looking at other artists’ creativity and giving me great food for thought - BUT… its not painting is it?

Ok then, signing off for the week and going to shut all distractions off and PAINT!

Much love and creativity to you 🙏🏻💗xxx

Diary of Delight Companion Post for Week 21: (Coming Soon)

(This post will be updated to include the link soon. Please check back later 🙏🏻)

This Cancer Chronicle post has a creative companion; ‘The Diary of Delight, Week 21” . The Diary of Delight is a sketchbook practice that helps me focus on the positive, look for the light and love and draw the joy.

Moments of Joy & Beauty noticed & experienced this week:

• Watching How I create Colour Palettes for my Paintings - Lynsay Green Art

• Enjoying the colour palettes and use of perspective in Lyndon Hayes art (also love the locations - England).

• London: Yesterday and Today with Rick Steves’ Europe

• Drawing with Becc on Zoom

• Planning Zoom drawing sessions, making draft Substack posts about them and thinking creatively

• Painting in Procreate (the teal ribbon, symbolising Ovarian Cancer).

• Morning walks (with lessening pain each day)

• Magenta coloured gum blossoms in the neighbour down the roads’ garden

• Outlander, Season 8.

• Playing with new paints (Flashe vinyl paints in my sketchbook).

• The Pink full moon in Libra

• Watching An Artsy Day Trip to Cambridge - the city where I was born.

• Listening to What the Austen? Podcast - Inside the BBC’s The Other Bennet Sister

Support via Donation:

If you would like to support my Cancer Healing journey with a one off, small donation, you can do so HERE or at ko-fi.com/samashleyart

P.s. I think I will change this KOFI link to one where people can donate to Ovarian Cancer Research.

Until next time,

Hug the people you love, Celebrate the good things in your life, Exercise and make the art that makes you happy.

All my love,

Other places you can find me:

Instagram

YouTube

Pinterest